I was recently in my chiropractor’s office and came across a copy of Health Magazine. The article that immediately caught my attention was “100 Best Diet Tips Ever” I thought I would take a stab at re-writing some of them to reflect a little reality:
Tip: Blog your goal, it’s hard to fail in front of an audience.
Blog your goal. Then if you are like the vast majority of people who attempt weight loss, you can fail in front of an audience!
Tip: After a sweet treat, eat half a slice of deli turkey to keep you from wanting more.
This tip brought to you by the deli turkey lobby. Seriously, that shit is specific. Is there a reason that deli chicken or deli roast beef won’t work? Didn’t they used to just tell us to brush our teeth? When did processed turkey replace dental hygiene in the health world?
Tip: Be specific about our weight loss goals
Because you don’t just want a vague sense of failure, you want fail specifically.
Tip: Add a zero to your weight and use that to figure out how many calories you should eat.
This tip is especially useful for those who don’t have a set of darts or other mechanism to help them come up with a random number of calories upon which to base their food choices.
Tip: Cravings usually only last for 10 minutes, distract yourself by having sex.
Who can resist the siren call of “Honey, come have sex with me so I don’t eat this cookie,” or, in the heat of the moment, hearing your partner moan “Oh baby do you still want the cookie or can we stop?” People who follow this tip are heard to say “My partner has carpel tunnel and TMJ, but I’m 10 pounds lighter!”
Tip: Buy an outfit in your healthiest size and hang it on the door for motivation.
It’s bad enough that magazines spread the myth that you have to be a certain weight to be healthy, but now we have to psychically know what size we’re going to be when we get there? The only reason this tip is better than just setting your money on fire is that you can always donate the outfit to Goodwill and go buy something that fits.
Tip: Weigh yourself every day to stay on track.
This tip is borrowed from the “100 Best Ways to Trigger an Eating Disorder” list
Tip: Add cucumbers to water and drink it – it feels like a treat.
Cucumber water is fine, but let’s be honest that water with vegetables floating in it is not going to be mistaken for a “treat” unless your usual treat is water without the cucumbers.
Tip: Eat with chopsticks or your non-dominant hand to slow down.
Impress your coworkers at lunch by being the only person who can’t reliably get food into your mouth! What date can resist the sexy “Bend and Snap” you do to pick up the sushi roll that is rolling away. Why not try other things with your non-dominant hand, maybe shaving can be next?
Like almost every article that I saw in Health magazine, these tips are old, tired, and have basically nothing to do with health. On the bright side, since these are supposedly the 100 Best Diet Tips, maybe they won’t publish any more. But if history is any judge, then sadly they probably will.
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