Recovery?

As you know For  the last 16 odd yearsI've been bouncing between my addiction and my EDWhen one was under controlThe other spun way out of controlAs my psychiatrist once said I have many 'chronic conditions'Way to make me feel worse than I already didSo between the two issuesI have pretty much avoided reality for the past decade and a halfAfter some years with my ED in the driving seatThings now seem to be changingAnd my addiction seems to be in controlIt feels closerAnd more present than my EDDon't get me wrongMy ED is still thereBut it has vastly improvedMy weight is stableOr as stable as it can beHowever the purging persistsI guess to most people purging 2-5 times a day is wildly out of controlBut for me it's progress
So my ED seems to have taken a back seatIn a way it's a reliefBut my lovely friend addiction has been waiting to take its placeThere are many signs that my addiction has taken overI'm misusing my medsI've used quite a bitAlthough not in the last two weeksI'm lying to my familyI'm withdrawnDisinterestedIrritableResentfulAll those things that come part and package with addiction
I don't know which is worseMy ED or my addictionAddiction is like a tornadoThat suddenly bursts in to my lifeAnd utter chaos ensuesIt doesn't matter if I use once or one hundred times The level of upset and chaos is the sameI heard my mother say recently That if I went back taking drugsIt would kill herI don't doubt herIt takes an extreme toll on families I think my family bore the brunt of my addictionI was out of my headBut they lived through every second of itStone cold soberBut yesAddiction rips the heart and soul out of familiesWe were lucky to make it out the other side
As for my EDFor meIt comes in two distinct partsAnorexiaAnd bulimiaI suffer from bothAgain switching from one to the other They are complete oppositesIf anorexia is coldAnd silent And aloofThen her sister bulimia is loudAnd brashAnd in your faceAnorexia causes a silent devastation Like an invisible poison infecting the suffererAnd of course their familyThe only evidence a bony bodyAnd gaunt face Bulimia causes more of a racketIt's more obvious on some waysLike the amount of food that goes missing And in other ways it's harder to seeAs the sufferer often won't display external effectsAnd so no one would ever knowUnless you told themAnd who wants to admit that they throw up every morsel of foodNot IThat's for sure
I know that a lot of people don't have time for addictsAnd people often misunderstand EDs tooThey think we are selfish and vainAnd that our EDs are solely about food and weightBut it goes much much deeper than thatEDs are a reaction to life's hardshipsA way of exerting control over the one thing we canFood and weightAnd weight becomes the focus But there are complex reasons as to why we do the things we doI firmly believe that people are the way they are for a reasonI didn't just decide one day that I wanted to be eating disorderdI didn't grow up thinking that I want to be anorexicDeveloping my ED was a reaction to experiences that I had had through out my lifeA coping mechanismA way of dealing with feelings and emotions that I couldn't handle It's a lot more complex that just wanting to be thin
This post is a reaction to a comment I received on a post I did about the show Supersize versus SuperskinnyIt went something like this
' I watch this show for entertainment and to feel relief that I am not fat. I don't starve myself because of this show. Get a life'
This is exactly the ignorance I am taking aboutThis person obviously stumbled upon my blogAnd probably only read one postAnd judged me on thatSaying 'Get a life' to someone with an ED is like saying 'Pull yourself together' to someone with depressionOr 'Just get up and walk' to someone with two broken legsIt's not that simpleOr straight forward Eating something when you have anorexia is as scary as facing your worst fearI know when I was in the height of my EDI was so afraid that if I started eatingThen I wouldn't be able to stopSpinning out of control was my worst fear
I remember when I was in drug treatmentI told one of the boys about my EDHe asked me if I did this to get attentionAgainAnother ignorant reactionThis couldn't be further from the truthThe whole point of my ED was to try and disappearNot gain more attention
I don't get annoyed any more at these reactionsI know it's because people aren't educatedBut I think people shouldn't judge what they don't knowDon't make assumptions about me until you have walked a day in my vomit stained shoes
I think people are still afraid of mental illnessThey're scared of what they don't understand I always like when people ask me questions about my ED or addictionAt least then I can set them straightAnd tell them the reality of life for meBut I think a lot of the timePeople are wary to broach the subjectAnd don't acknowledge it at allBut that's not healthyIf we want to tackle the massive problem of people suffering in silence and suicideWe need to let people know that it's ok to feel badAnd it's good to talkIt can save lives I am blessed to live in a family that talks very openly about our issues Most of a family of sixFour of us have addiction and mental health issuesSo there's really no escaping it
Maybe some people would find it hard to understandBut I think it's really important to retain a sense of humor through all of thisMy family have a dark sense of humor anywayAnd we regularly laugh at ourselves and each otherBecause these issues are so heavyI think it's vital to be able to laugh at ourselvesMy family often take the piss out of me with regard to foodThey might say 'Who ate all the cake? Was it Ruby the raging bulimic?'It takes the serious edge off a subject that can be so very dark and mysteriousSometimes the only thing we can do is laugh
For meMy disorders have always been about getting out of my own headAway from my own realityMy thoughtsMy feelingsAn escapeBut the thing that I don't always understand is that my reality is not that badI have quite a nice life all things consideredI have a living familyI have my healthMy animalsFriends I'm a fairly intelligent personBut yetI crave oblivionI crave checking out of lifeAnd off the planet I used to not care whether I lived or diedI really wasn't bothered if I killed myselfBut nowNow I want to live I've had a taste of what life could be like And that life is amazingAnd wonderfulAnd beautifulYes it's scaryAnd confusingBut I would rather be here than notAnd that my friends is a freakin' revelation
So if you are reading this today And you don't have an ED ot addictionBut you know someone who doesDon't judgeDon't condemnDon't write them off as difficult Take a moment to empathiseTalk to themTry to understand where they are coming fromBecause they are the way they are for a reason