Twas the week before Christmas and all through the mail, the diet companies shill programs guaranteed to fail.
It’s that time of year – diet companies try to convince us to join them before “the holidays”, or to make them our New Year’s Resolution and we are inundated with diet ads on television, radio, and print. That means it’s time for the annual DancesWithFat “Realistic Slogans for Diet Companies” post.
Please know that I’ve done almost all of these diets – most of which were prescribed by doctors – and it’s not my intention to criticize anyone who has done or will do them, just the people who sell them. Without further adieu:
Weight Watchers:
Pay $1270 to lose 5 pounds in two years.
Eat our special Weight Watchers ice cream, don’t ask us how we got 4 grams of fiber into ice cream, you don’t want to know.
Those deceptive trade practice lawsuits? Look, over there, it’s a shiny celebrity spokesperson! results not typical
Body Hatred – your key to the good life.
If you’re happy and you know it, we’ll fix that!
Alli:
Uncontrolled anal seepage isn’t as bad as it sounds. Really.
It’s not fecal incontinence, it’s “aversion therapy” and that’s always a great idea. Say thank you, fatty.
Spend $800.00 to lose 4 pounds – most of which will leak out of your ass.
Jenny Craig/NutriSystem etc.
Forget everything you’ve heard about farm-to-table, locally sourced, whole, slow foods. Get our highly processed food in a baggie and microwave that shit.
You aren’t capable of deciding when/if you’re hungry. Just eat what we say when we say and don’t ask any questions.
Hell yeah microwaved cheeseburgers!
Special K:
Tomorrow, tomorrow, I’ll wear Size Sassy, tomorrow, self-esteem is always a size away!
It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle choice – a lifestyle where you choose to diet.
MediFast:
Eat reconstituted soy protein five times a day, stop menstruating, and lose your hair – you’ll feel so healthy!
The same powder can be made into a shake, a pancake, or soup. That’s not a bug, it’s a feature, we promise!
Pay $40 to become a “health coach” and join our Pyramid Scheme, see if you just get three friends and then they each sign up three friends… we’ll all be thin gazillionaires!
Slimfast:
Mmmmmm, laxatives!
Wait, our product is still legal? Dude, that’s awesome!
At least you don’t have to drink it from a metal can anymore – but if you like that metallic edge to your chocolate sludge the can is still available.
If you want more information about the basis for these slogans check out https://danceswithfat.wordpress.com/2013/12/06/some-diet-company-questions/
If you have ideas for slogans, please feel free to leave them in the comments – maybe the diet companies will take us up on some of these!
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