Preventing Relapse

Given everything that is happeningBeing on holidaysComing back from holidaysBeing sickAnd having Turkey Tummy as the lovely CP called itAnd having the stress of my driving test tomorrowI know I need to be carefulI haven't weighed myself But I know that I've lost weight I can feel itIt's no surprise reallyThe food really didn't agree with meI had bouts of diarrhoea and constipationAlthough I think constipation is by far the worse of the twoAnd because I didn't much like the food in Turkey I've kind of lost the taste for foodEven my precious white chocolate and salt and vinegar crisps haven't been touched since I got homeI've just been nibbling toast here and there
I know that this is a dangerous timeI acknowledge thatNow it's up to me not to let this setback turn in to a slip or a relapseIt's hard though Part of me would love to go running in to the arms of my EDTo just say f**k itAnd throw myself head first down the rabbit holeBut I won't I can't I've come too far to throw it all away nowI meanI'm in no danger of falling in to the underweight category just yetIt's more the behavioursAnd the thinking at the moment  
Exit: I just bought a battery for my scale And weighed myself I've lost about 7 poundsJust over three kilosMore than I had thoughtBut I am still very much in the healthy categorySo I'm not going to worry just yetI'm pretty sure that my weight hasn't settled at my set point yetI'm also pretty sure that I have overshot my set point Which is pretty common I knowSo I would actually like to settle some where a little less than I am nowBut of course We all knowWhere EDs and weight loss are concerned Sometimes it takes on a life of its ownAnd it feels like we are on a runaway trainWith no way off
AnywayEnough with what could happenLet's talk about what is happeningToday is Monday of courseThat is doctor day for meHe was surprisingly on time this morningThe first thing he said to me was'So you weren't whisked away by a swarthy Arab?'I said there was no fear of thatHe said that he doesn't give advice But he does tell girls not to marry MuslimsI told him in fact they my auntie B had married a MuslimAlbeit a non practicing one Who is one of the nicest men you could meetHe asked about my holidayI told him some stories He told me they he is going to Poland tomorrow To visit his sonWho is studying medecine thereHe also said he would start reducing the methadone when he got backAhemNo comment...
As I mentioned earlier I have my driving test tomorrowSome howI have managed to get to the grand ol' age of 34 without doing it before nowBut it has finally caught up with me And tomorrow is the dayToday I have a two hour driving lessonTo cram in everything I need to know  before tomorrowI'm not getting my hopes upBut I will do my best That's all I can do
I know I need to mind myself at the momentI know that a relapse can creep up on you And then slam you between the eyes before you know what is happeningI'm not sure if it's a good or bad thing to weigh at the momentI guess it's good to keep an eye on itWithout getting too engrossed with it I mean I'm sure I could be questioned as to whether I really am in recovery or notI still purge Not very often But about 3-5 times a weekNot everyday But almost I'm not quite sure what that meansAll I know Is that this is as good as it gets for me right now I am as free from my ED than I have ever been And with recovery and lifeComes complications Life is not a straight forward thingThere are many bends and bumps in the road Sometimes we even go backwards But the important thing is to keep goingTo keep trying And fightingTo keep hoping And believing That there is a better life for us
God knows I know that when you are in the eye of the storm of an EDRecovery seems nigh on impossible And it also seems to be something that happens to other people We might all have similar EDsBut each of us are unique And will recover in a way that might be different to someone elseI've been in treatment for my ED about five times And never once did I even complete the programmeNevermind recoverI can remember being there And all my energy went in to resisting treatment And in fact I actually lost weight while thereHow I managed to do that I do not knowBut after five failed admissionsI've learned that recovering in that type of setting Just does not work for me Being surrounded by other sick and underweight peopleFor me Is not conducive to making positive changes I compare myself I let myself compete with these girls To be the thinnest and the sickestIt became a game Where the winner is the one closest to death
As we all knowTreating EDs is a tricky businessI would say doctors hate to see the likes of us coming They are just so complexIt takes much timeAnd energyAnd endless support To help someone who is completely immersed in their EDTo even considering changing their thinking and behavioursAnd to get them to gain weight?Well that is the biggest challenge We may want to recoverBut we may want to stay at a low body weightAnd as we know That just doesn't work You can't have one without the other 
For me Recovery from home worked a lot better than a stint in treatment And as I often saySometimes it feels like it happened in spite of myself When I was very sickOne of the things that scared me the most was gaining weightThe only thing worse than being depressed and under weightWas being depressed and of a healthy weightOr worse againDepressed and over weightWhat I didn't bank on Was that as I gained weight My mood and my thinking began to shift I started to see the benefits of weight regain Of feeding my bodyOf looking after myself And with this Other things began to change I stopped caring so much what the scale said What clothes size I was Numbers began to mean less and lessMy confidence improved markedly I felt more comfortable in my own skin Soon the benefits of recovery Outweighed any benefits my ED hadBecause my ED served a purpose at the timeI had to find other healthier ways to meet those needs That is a process of trial and errorBut we each find what works for usIt's different for everyone 
I guess what I'm trying to say is That I know recovery can seem like a million miles away So completely out of reach But I think in fact it is closer than we thinkI firmly believe that recovery is possible for each of usNo matter how complicated or serious the conditionIt is possible to have a life beyond EDThe thing is that we have to do it ourselves No one can do it for usNo matter how much they love usOr want to do it for us It has to come from the person You can love themAnd support them To a point But change must come from a persons own motivationI know at the beginning of my recovery from addictionI did it for my family more than myself But that only got me so farAnd over timeI had to start to do it for myselfOr else it just wouldn't work
I guess it could be argued That I am in fact not in recoveryI still abuse my medsI don't go to meetings But as with my EDThis is as good as it gets for me at the momentI function as best as I canAnd most of the time I am well and free and contentI acknowledge that things could be a lot betterIf I just put a little bit of effort in But I am not ready to make further changes yet In time I hope I will But for nowThis is the way things are
So today This post is for you If you are struggling If your ED or addiction is getting the better of youIf you are underweightOverweight Or somewhere in between If you can't even entertain the idea of recovery If it seems so far away that you can't even see itThis post is for you If you are depressed Anxious Afraid Paralysed with fearIf you want to check off this planetIf you can't stand the noise in your own headIf you can't see beyond the darkness of your own mind If you woke this morning And wished that you hadn't If you have slipped Or relapsed This is for you
If you are struggling with another mental illness If you are cross addicted If you are suicidalIf you don't even know what is wrong with you If you are alone LonelyIf you have no one to share your burden withIf you don't have the support you need If you are silently suffering Afraid to even utter what ails youThis is for you
If you take one thing from this post Then please take a little bit of hope I am a former heroin addictWho suffers from anorexia/bulimiaI have battled depression and anxiety And suicidal ideation But I stand here before you todayStrong AbleCapable Positive I fought my way hereThe odds were stacked against meI didn't think that I would make it out alive Didn't think I'd see thirtyBut the will to survive is a strong oneThe will to live also And now I'm so glad that I did survive And am here to tell my story And hopefully help others I know that is my purpose nowSome people go to university to studyAnd become an expert in that field The only subject I know a lot about is eating disorders and addictionI know them intimately And I know I have been spared in order to help others 
I wish I could give a little piece of what I feel to you allBut we all have to follow our own path My path is still continuing My recovery goes onMy life goes onI am alive And freeAnd happy And I am eternally grateful for that