Peter Pan Syndrome

I was on the phone to the dog shelter last weekWe were in the middle of a conversationWhen the lady asked my what age I wasI told herShe began to laugh and said that I sounded like a teenagerI get this a lot Told that I sound a lot youngerAnd even look a lot youngerI know when I was very underweight I looked quite strangeI had this childlike bodyWith the face of a withered old woman But as I have become wellAnd regained weight My face has filled out As well as the rest of meAnd I guess I do look a bit younger than my 34 years
I remember when I was a teenager I was in such a hurry to grow upI did everything young My first discoMy first cigaretteMy first drink My first boyfriend All before I was 15Now that I am an adultI wish that I had allowed myself to grow up slowerThat I had taken the time to enjoy my childhood and teenage yearsI look at my nephewHe has just turned 15 And this week went to his first discoTo me he seems so innocentI can not imagine him smoking or drinking And he seems to have no interest in these things Which I am so glad aboutBecause there is a chanceLike the four members of my own familyThat he might inherit that addiction geneSo far he shows no sign of it But I know that can all change in a heartbeat
I guess my life thus far has been rockyI began smoking and drinking at 14Had my first proper boyfriend at 14Began taking drugs at 15And the next 15 years were a Wright offMy twentiesThe years when you discover who you are and what you are about Didn't happen that way for meSo I guess now in my thirties I am living my twenties If that makes sense Mentally I am 24 years old Barely an adult I guess I dress young too In my jeans and trainers and hoodiesBut I'm ok with that I am still growing upFinding out who I am My views and opinionsMy dress sense My way of coping Of dealing with life
They say that youth is wasted on the youngI agree I didn't appreciate my youth My childhood My teenage years I was so busy trying to be an adult So busy wanting to grow upI got my first full time job when I left schoolI was doing wellBut it wasn't long before my drug use began to spin out of controlThe next 14 years were chaotic to say the least There were a few years during that timeThat I don't know how my family got throughMy mom and I were speaking about this just yesterday There was a time when four out of six of us were in active addictionIt was crazy So many shocking things happened Addiction rips families apartAs it did mine It's only years later And with the four of us in recoveryThat our lives have begun to healThey also say that the age you are when you start using/drinking/starving/purging is the age you stay until you stopI was 14 when my problems started And that makes sense to me That I am still a teenagerA young adult MentallyAnd physically 
I think our eating disorders Are also something thdt keeps us from growing upThere is something very child like about EDsAnorexia is sometimes a protest to growing upBulimia is the inability to control ones selfAgain Like a child I know I have resisted growing up once I reached adulthood Being an adultAnd everything that goes with itScared the bejesus out of meI worried and stressed that I wouldn't be able to copeWouldn't be able for the responsibility It just all seemed like too much I struggled to deal with reality Struggled with substances that allowed me to escape from that realityI struggling with impulse controlWhich has bothered me a lot over the yearsLike a child There is no no for meI see something and I want it right now There is no controlNone at all
Its only nowAt the age of 34That I am getting my life together That I am starting to grow upI know I have a lot of work to doI have taken the first step But there are still many miles to go And maybe it's actually a nice thing that I don't look my age Maybe it will stand to me in years to come I've seen over the last couple of weeksThe areas I need to work onI want to be a responsible adult I want to act my age Sometimes it bothers me That at my age I am still living with a parent But then I remember that I am not living with my parentsI am sharing a house with my mom and sister I have the freedom to do as I pleaseAnd I get on with my mom very wellIt would be crazy for me to try and maintain a house by myself It makes more sense for me to live hereAnd I like living here I feel safe I feel lovedHoney and Lea love it hereThey are happy here Our house is home It's where we all meet for teaFor dinnerTo play games To celebrate holidays and birthdays It's the center of our family 
With all that saidI was wondering about youHave you resisted growing up like me?Do you think that your ED has anything to do with not wanting to grow up?What age do you feel?And what age are you?Do you like being the age you are?Inquiring minds want to know.....