A friend writes to tell me:
Lately, I’ve been getting paranoid that little girls are afraid of me. Like they look at me and automatically think I am a creep. Like age 12 or 13. Like, I was in a restaurant yesterday with , and I saw this little blonde girl sitting on the bench with her family. And I just thought automatically “Don’t look at her, she suspects something.
Unfortunately, once you are a male beyond a certain age, you are going to get this treatment a lot from girls around that age. The age where it kicks in? Maybe 30-50. Girls nowadays are raised to be afraid of stranger danger and they are taught that all men are potential molesters so they are walking around scared half the time. In addition, if you get a lot of anxiety going, sadly you are going to look pretty weird and people will start thinking funny things about you. It is really a vicious cycle.
Recommendation: Just try not to look at them. That is an awfully young girl anyway and there is not much to see there yet. And if she’s eying you suspiciously then all the better reason to avoid her and everyone like her.
Everyone gets accused of being a molester these days, and if you are anxious, people will think you surely are one, as “White pedos” are seen weird nerdy guys who can’t get laid.
I went over to a table in a restaurant the other day where a young woman age 23 I knew was there. I blabbed some lame comment. She said yes that was me. She was sitting with a young girl. I said, “Is that your sister?” She said, “No she’s my cousin.” I asked, “How old is she?” And my friend said, “!2.” I looked down at the girl, and she was looking at me with fear, hatred and suspicion in her dagger eyes. I thought this is where I step out, and she wasn’t much to look at anyway.
Avoid the stimulus that is causing the problem. As a general rule, I simply do not speak to girls around that age. 12 and up to 17 and I generally do not communicate with them at all. I might look at them, but talk to them? Hell no. And some of them act like they are scared of me too. Well, ok. There is nothing to be gained anymore by talking to underage girls. Nothing good is going to come out of it. Everyone will think you are a pedo even if you are only talking about the weather. Look but don’t touch is the rule.
Redirect outwards. Advice here is just don’t think about it, and don’t be so self-conscious. The more self-conscious you are, the more you call attention to yourself, which makes people think you are weird, which makes you more anxious “They think I am weird.” Got it? It’s a cycle.
Let them think it is true. As far as girls that age, get it in your head, “I’m not a pedophile and I do not care if anyone agrees with that or not.” Then if someone implies you are, simply reject that statement because you know you are not one. “Fine, think that, but I do not do those things, so you are wrong.” If you are worried something is true, that just makes everything worse. If teenage girls look at you, think, “So what. I do not care what they think and they can think anything they want to. I know what I am.”
In general, the more you avoid either looking at them or talking to them, the more the situation tends to go away. And keep it that so things don’t get worse.
Paranoia versus social anxiety. But this post brings up an interesting point. Where does paranoia end and social anxiety begin. This case looks like social anxiety possibly with some OCD mixed in and also paranoia. The paranoia is, “People think I am a pedophile.” The social anxiety is, “I am afraid to go outside because people will think I am a pedo.” There may be OCD mixed in too, “Well, am I a pedo or not, which is it? And if I am not, why are they looking at me so weird.”
I went to a webpage on “paranoia” and about 1/2 of the entries were really paranoia and the other half were really more like social anxiety. A number were clear-cut one or the other, but with some it was quite hard to tease the two of them apart. It’s all just fear anyway. That’s all OCD is too.
Paranoia: People are actively conspiring to do me harm and screw me over behind my back. My friends are my enemies. There is a plot against me. People are following me. The cops are following me. People are trying to kill me. There are enemies everywhere. I can’t go outside. I haven’t been outside in 2 weeks because every time I go out, everyone follows me everywhere I go.
Social Anxiety: People think I am weird, they think I am nuts, think I am gay, think I am a pedo or a criminal. I get anxious when I go out due to all of these fears.
At times, it is difficult to tease apart, “People hate me because I am weird” from “People are actively plotting against me.” They can wrap around each other. But generally there is clear difference.
