Community Magazine

One Week In

By Rubytuesday
As the title suggests I am one week in to treatment
Everyone is telling me how this admission has to be different
Nothing changes if nothing changes
The number one offender remains
My old friend bulimia
She is proving to be stubborn beyond belief
It's a sad fact that purging has become such a normal part of my day
Just like brushing my teeth
I had a very interesting group this morning
I was told that I am keeping staff at arms length and not looking for support
It's true
I don't go to staff
I try to just struggle through it myself
I hate having to ask for help
I remember reading once that the three hardest things to say are:
I love you
I'm sorry
And help me
I can vouch for that
I miss blogging
I miss my home
I desperately miss my dogs
I keep leaving them
They must be so confused
My weight was down again this morning
Another loss and I will be on bedrest
I feel incredibly frustrated with myself
Why can't I do this?
Why am I content to live the half life that is this ED?
Why don't I want to live more?
I'm not giving up though
Not yet
I have eleven more weeks here
And it's never too late to start
I hope you all are ok
I hope you are fighting
Because none of us deserve a life half lived
None of us deserve the punishment we put ourselves through
I still firmly believe that there recovery is possible
Even for me
I am blessed to have a wonderful family
People who care about me
But it's time we started looking after ourselves
Ultimately it is down to us
As much as they would like to, our families can't do this for us
We have to find our own way
I have to keep reminding myself that I am not a teenager anymore
And this is not my first rodeo
I don't have to prove to anyone that I have an eating disorder
Or that I can lose weight
We can all do that
I also don't have to live up to the title of anorectic
I don't have to justify my illness
You don't have to either
Take care,
Your friend,
Ruby x

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