And my mothersAnd we all went out for lunch one day?That morning my mother told me that she was really proud of meThen when we were at lunchMy Dad told me that I had never looked betterAnd could I please stay that wayThat night he sent me text that said this
A great joy to my heart to hear you laughing today
And I had been laughingI had been telling everyone about my escapades with my teethAnd my family were chiming in with other silly things that I had done over the years
I am fully aware of how many hearts I would breakIf I slipped back down the rabbit holeAnd when I say 'rabbit hole'I mean either drugs or my EDI am fully aware of the devastation it would causeNot to mention how hard it would be to come back from itI know I don't have the strength to bounce back from another relapseIf I bounced back at allI know that even though it looks tempting from hereThe reality is a living hellI know my addiction and my ED are like an abuserThey groom me and lure me in with false promisesIt's only when I am held captive that they show their true coloursAnd how evil they really are
My ED is so sneakyAs you know I started back swimming few weeks agoAt first it was really enjoyableI swam for leisure and there was no pressureBut then I started counting my lengths506080100Now nothing less than a 100 will do
I joined the leisure centerSo I can now go swimming as much as I like
Even though I know how many hearts I would breakI still feel temptedJust once moreOne more timeThat plays on a loop in my headJust once more
When my ED is whispering in my ear
I need to remember these things that my family have said to me
If I won't do it or myself
I can at least do it for them
I keep having to remind myself that this is not my first rodeo
I've been here before
I've been on this merry-go-round for 14 plus years
I know how this story ends
I guess I just always have that urge to escape
Escape my own head
Reality
This life
Everything
But I've been doing ok
I've been living life drug free for a few years now
And have pushed my ED away as much as I can
I'm ok
I
Am
Ok
I just keep having to tell myself that
I can do this
I can
