So.. I don't claim to be the best at interpreting why God has to allow brokenness to be a blessing for us....but I want to explain why it was a blessing for ME.
Brokenness sort of invades our lives like a sore, we didnt intend - to a injured part of our body we use to function every day. Yet injuries heal. If we let them. Choosing to hold onto the worst, and the 'aching' pain and bitterness prevents us from healing. And some of us, unfortunately dont get that doing this can make it much worse.
In the years of 2004 and 2005, man I went through a brokenness that felt like I would not return from wherever I was lost. When I sought God, I knew he was there, but I couldn't really tell by how I was living. He seemed so very far away. But when I chose to feel, he showed up. Miraculously. What I mean by that is, I acjnowledged my pain. I shared and talked with Him, I opened up.
And sometimes, I really didn't care, honestly, if God was there, or not. I thought He had forgotten me, anyway. Not that this meant I didn't love God, still, but I was just too hurt. And licking my wounds just seemed to feel better than talking to God about them.
Ever tried to reach for God and felt like your arms were just way too short?? Well, that was me. I knew God was real, but I was so very angry at Him.
My life had fallen apart. I was divorcing, I felt like relocation was my only option for beginning a new life, and I felt like the Spirit of God was forcing me to leave the city where I lived. I was ashamed. Hurt. DEFEATED. At least that's how Ifelt, anyway.
Divorce made me feel as if I had failed.
So I felt like I needed a new start.
And that, I did.
But things became sort of blurry along the way. I felt like my entire life had changed, and I didn't know where God lived. Church was not a place to call home, and neither was the new place I had moved. I felt like life took a grave turn and I had to find my way back home.
Brokenness feels like youre almost dead. But you know youre alive, because youre still moving.
So.. what I have found is- that no matter how dead you feel, you survive - because its a "go through " moment that has merit. HIS MERIT. God's merit looks like grace. Undeserved favor. He sfill lifts you up, vives you a reason to smile, if wend are look outside ourselves fkr one moment. We recive rewards for going through, with God. Somehow when I was going through, I knew God would spare my life, because what I endured, I just knew it was for someone's benefit, just like Jesus' stuff, his mess - the stuff He didnt create, was blessing, for me.
So here I am. On the other side of brokenness, and I feel real FREE. I HAVE HOPE.
I can't quite explain it all... all I know is I no longer feel bound; I am not crying all the time; I am not heartbroken- going through crazy cycles of shame anymore...I don't use anything like "aids to help me sleep"; nor am I still trying to find myself. How about this: I DON'T FEEL LOST.
I just feel... NEW.
DIFFERENT.
SPECIAL.
LOVED.
And... I LOVE MYSELF.
Because... I know myself.
So there it is.
The secret is out.
With brokenness, just ask God for help with surrending.
Healing, is on the other side.
Selah.
