So about a week ago I was sitting with a group of people and we were discussing a few challenges with conflict; and being and living emotionally safe .
I didn't realize I that emotionally, I had been holding onto some stuff due to an illness I was having and it made me feel completely vulnerable and as a result, I didn't trust well. Even myself , and my own thoughts.
I realized I had been having quite a bit of a lack of emotional safety and how I tended to think and reason was skewed. Ever felt that way? Like being ill made you feel even worse than you felt before you became sick?
You see, when I was a little girl I would be challenged around my thinking and sometimes influenced to doubt myself. I would be literally mocked for crying and feeling vulnerable or sad. As an adult , I unintentionally learned and operated in this mode of thinking and held on firmly to the beliefs as self - doubt. "No one takes me seriously, " I would tell myself . And because I had this thinking; I wouldn't take myself too seriously, either.
I became insecure emotionally ; and was often challenged with this thought so much it became a self -fulfilling prophecy.
It had become a personal infection, filled with self-condemnation. It was a thought that had me trapped in self-protection mode; and I was on the defense.
As I sat around the table with mentors, and came to this awareness about myself, I realized that I needed to be honest about this insecurity and then take back that untruth; and replace it with what was really true about me. What was true, was that an eight year old year had become very confused about feeling vulnerable; and today, this truth didn't serve her. There was no wisdom and no strength in being and feeling this way. It made her think she was weak and vulnerable and insignificant . Instead of being taken seriously ; when in truth, she was convincing herself that no one really believed in her from the start.
I had to remind myself that the truth was I felt emotionally unsafe and vulnerable because this was a "trigger" in my life that once felt unfamiliar , insensitive and unsteady. And it also reminded me that because I " felt unprotected ", I was unprotected. Yet this was not true.
A week later , I was in the exact same position. I believed I was emotionally unsafe and therefore I was. I didn't talk to myself any differently, and I didn't do anything about it.
I suddenly realized this pattern had been affecting me in several areas of my life and instead of dealing with the frustration of how I felt, I would emotionally hide myself ; lose my voice - and I would " bail " and leave the situation that introduced the emotional conflict, before it got much worse.
I was "emotionally stuck." And I didn't know how to drop this negative behavior. My mentors around this table helped me realize I needed to tell myself this was an untruth when I felt this was or I'd keep reacting, vs. responding.
I was undone.
So... I began to then reason differently. There were tools that helped me release my emotions and think more clearly- like reading , writers no and dumping what was in my head , listening to thinking music, clearing out my head with untruths - and meditation and a recognition that I was worthy of everything good and positive- then once I was done unraveling; I would say a prayer of affirmation of release to release the negative; and stay with the truth; letting it resound as my filter.
When I used the tools, I provided myself a remedy. And as I sought remedy, I began to heal. With consistent acknowledgement and addressing the fact that (I was my own distraction ); and disrupting what could be a "good thinking process"; I began to release the inner conflict in my life. I began to reach for truths that invited inner resolve and peace. This involved some deep, intentional, introspection.
Slowly I became more aware of this challenge; and addressed the instability of emotional vulnerability. I began to serve myself truths; and let go of my emotional hurt patterns from when I was 8 years old.
I am free. I am still noticing this pattern comes up in not so strong moments -and it may take a few more missteps before I am fully aware.
Nonetheless, I am moving forward. Now I am self-correcting my " stinking thinking." Where I used to run away from conflict, now I challenge myself and run to it and take care of it.
