My sister and nephew left last night and we return home tomorrow morning
I can't tell you how excited I am to see my dogs
I've missed them so much
This week has gone a lot better than I thought it would
We all got on well
No family arguments
No tension
Just lots of laughter and fun
Of course food has been a problem as it always is
I've purged multiple times every day
I've also used enemas every day
I fear that I have gained between 5 and 7 pounds
The thought of weighing in on Sunday is both terrifying and thrilling
I am preparing myself for the worst
Something amazing happened this week
And that is my relationship with my nephew
For most of his life I have either been in active addiction or in the throes of my ED
I had little or no interest in his life and I made practically no effort to forge a relationship with him
I've been on holiday with him before but I spent most of the time in the pub and no time with him
As mean as it sounds he got in the way of my using
Any one who has been addicted to drugs will know what I mean
One thing we have always had in common is our love of animals
He loves my dogs just as much as I do
But beyond that we weren't close at all
So he turned 13 recently and suddenly over night he went from being a little boy and turned in to a teenager
He's growing up so fast
I am so happy to report that we got on fantastically this week
We hung out together loads
I think I spent more time with him this week than I have in the last year
I loved it
We goofed around
Laughed lots
Slagged the 'adults'
I think the fact that I have never really grown up helped
I am still a big kid
I think my mental age is about 15 or 16
Now at then end of the week I really feel like we have made great strides in getting closer
He is such a lovely kid
So cheeky
So mischevious
Witty
Sarcastic
We spent a whole day telling jokes about poo
Now it is up to me to keep this going
When I'm at home I rarely call down to their house
Never did anything with him
We went horse riding here yesterday and I suggested to Oisin that we go once a month when we get home
He seems keen and I am too
As hard as it is to admit this, I think one of the reasons I struggled to get close to my nephew was that I was jealous of him
Up until he came along, I was the baby of the family
I got all the attention and I was used to that
Everyone doted on me and I was a bit spoilt really
Then along comes this little boy and he steals my thunder
All of a sudden I'm not the baby anymore
The focus is off me
So I had built up a resentment against him
I hated myself for feeling that way but that was the truth
I think wanting attention is a very human thing
We want to be noticed
We want people to give us their time and attention
In the past I have done some pretty outrageous things to get attention
Somewhere along the way I got the idea from somewhere that if people felt sorry for me, then they would like me
So when I was a young teenager I told some lies to friends because I wanted them to like me
I wasn't enough
I felt that I had to make stuff up in order to keep my friends
I also liked to shock people
I'd get a great buzz out of people's reactions to my stories
To this day I still feel guilty for telling those lies
But I have to let it go
I remember the first time I went to drug treatment
I told one of the lads there that I had an ED
He asked me was I doing it to get attention
I was highly insulted
My ED wasn't about trying to get attention
It was about not liking or accepting myself
It was about being depressed and anxious and confused
But yes, my ED has gotten me a lot of attention over the years
People don't seem to have the same empathy for drug users the way they have empathy for people with an ED
Why?
I'm not quite sure
I have to admit that I have liked the attention that I have got
I guess it makes me feel special
And that's another reason why I hang on to my ED
To retain that special feeling
But I think most people, even if they didn't admit it, like to get some attention
It's a nice feeling for someone to show an interest in you
But like a lot of things, it is addictive
Hence why some people go on to become attention seekers
I'd like to think that I am not an attention seeker
At least I hope that I'm not
What about you?
Do you enjoy attention?
Or do you shy away from it?
Last of the Achill photos...........
