Obama’s Climate Speech Will Surely Be Full of Shit

by Madame Beaubama, Clairvoyant at Arms / Earth First! News

Tomorrow President Obama will deliver a speech on climate change at Georgetown University. You can watch it live here:  whitehouse.gov/liv

It promises to be, as some copy editor working in the White House dungeons has crafted for a press release, his “vision for a comprehensive plan to reduce carbon pollution, prepare our country for the impacts of climate change, and lead global efforts to fight it.”  

As you probably already know, with the full force of a fucking sneaky but brilliant team of writers and political goons, he is going to sell us a big load of shit.

Look for these messages between the lines:  

1) I’m talking about regulating coal burning plants (which’ll be weak at best) but not oil and gas plants which are popping up like daises. Fuck you fractivists. You can buy your water from Fiji.

2) Keystone XL is not important to talk about because I’ve already figured out with my energy overlords how to get tar sands bitumen hauled by freight and other pipelines under your stupid noses.

3) Renewable energy, renewable energy (hey look over there)…ok, here Big Industrial-Green, take all the public land you want for those massive industrial solar and wind farms before anyone starts calling for decentralized power on their houses and shit. 

In the end Obama ain’t regulating shit. He’ll talk up how Americans are up to the challenge of confronting climate change — which means get used to the heat, droughts and sea level rise — and then he’ll secretly pass gas, order a drone strike and go take a nap.