Not Giving In....

I watched an episode of Dr. Phil this morningWe were introduced to 15 year old Isabella and her mother Isabella had bulimia And also OCDShe blamed her illness in the fact that her mother mocked her for being slightly over weight And not exercising Isabella confessed to bingeing and purging multiple times a day She stole foodUsed laxatives And was generally very low and depressedThe thing that bothered her most of all though Was the fact that she wasn't underweightShe was a healthy 120 pounds And she felt that people didn't think she was that bad Because she looked okShe seemed healthy People presumed that because she wasn't severely underweight Then it couldn't be that serious Isabella was in a lot of distressShe spoke through sobs of tearsAnd felt bitter anger towards her motherIncidentally Her mother also suffered from anorexia/bulimia when she was 15You would think she would be more sympathetic But she just wasn't 
I can totally understand Isabella's pain It is a huge myth that every one who has an ED is underweight In fact most people suffering with an ED are of a perfectly healthy weight This can be confusing As we are all used to the images of anorexia Emaciated bodies With protruding bones And sunken cheeks The extreme pictures of desperately underweight people But in reality Those with an ED are more often than not In the healthy range Weight wise I know myself I've been every weight from 77 pounds to  130 pounds My weight rarely stands still It's constantly fluctuating Up and down But I was equally sick at all weights 
I remnember when I was in treatment People seemed to think that it was ok to pass remarks about your weight And of course the classic: You don't look like you have an EDI finally found a good answer to that statement You don't look like you are depressed/anxious/suicidal It's the only way to deal with such comments 
I really felt for IsabellaShe said she felt disgusting at the weight she is now Even though she was beautiful and articulate She felt like a big fat failureI know this feeling When I was at my highest weight I felt so uncomfortable in my own skinSo disconnected from my body It didn't portray the way I felt on the inside To the world I was of a healthy weightMy eyes were bright My hair shinyMy skin with a healthy glow But on the inside I was dyingMy outside did not match my inside I felt  so confused 
As it is Eating Disorders Awareness WeekI think it's important to address these issues And talk about them openlyIn a lot of circles Bulimia is a dirty wordAnorexia gets a level of respect It is almost seen as tragically beautiful and romantic It is shocking to see an extremely underweight person And I think the overall feeling towards sufferers Is one of sympathy and pityBulimia on the other hand Is anorexias less popular cousin She conjours up images of greediness And vomit I mean who wants to admit that they spend a significant amount of time with their head in the toilet bowl Anorexia sufferers are seen an delicate, fragile Almost angelic Bulimia sufferers are seen as greedy and disgustingAnd they never achieve the one thing they crave the most Thinness And that contributes to make one very miserable person
Three years ago I made a speech at an eating disorder conference in my townsMary asked me on the TuesdayThe conference was on the ThursdayCoincidentally I had written out my story the previous weekI wrote it thinking that no one would ever read itIt was honest and rawI remember showing it to my DadAnd he said to read it out That is was perfect So That day I read out my story out in front of a ballroom full of professionals, sufferers and families I was beyond nervous My mother also spoke at this conference And we both got great feedback I remember Mary giving me a big hug And telling me she was proud of meIt was an amazing thing to do And something that makes me feel proud when I think about it I almost felt like it was my duty and responsibility to speak for our community And I really wanted to do you justice I wanted to tell my story Your story Our story EDs are such secretive illnessAnd I felt compelled to break the silence And tell people what our lives are really like I hope I did you proud 
This EDAWI am trying to get back on track After a bumpy few monthsThis year I clocked up 15 years in the grip of this illnessBut also a year in recovery I am doing my level best to get and stay healthy I am looking for other more healthy ways to maintain my peace of mind A healthy mind And a healthy body It's not easy But then anything ever worth having isn't I'm not giving up I have too much to lose Too much to look forward to For the first time in a long time I feel hopeful I feel there is a life for me beyond my ED and addictionI'm not giving in Not yetNot ever