Night Out!

As you may knowI don't tend to venture out at nightI don't frequent pubs and clubsThe only reason I would be out after dark would be to go to the theater or cinemaNow that it is winterI am usually in my pajamas by 6pmBut last night Eight of my family went out for dinnerYou might remember a few months agoWe got the news that my brother was offered a two book deal with PicadorWe didn't see him or his partner over Christmas So they came here yesterday for the weekendAnd we all went out last night for dinner
We booked the meal in a lovely little restaurant in the next villageTo be honest I don't particularly like going out for dinnerIt's not my first choice of fun things to do Because for meBeing  bulimic It's just a total waste of moneyBut anyway Back to last night We all dressed up a little I wore a denim pinafore dress With a stripe the topAnd gray tights I also wore a pair of heels which I rarely doWe set off at about 7 30pmTo sit down for dinner at 8 pmThe restaurant itself was lovely SmallBut perfectly formed Cosy Nice music And friendly staffWe settled at our table for eightAnd began to look over the menus It was decided that we would have three courses Which sounded like a marathon to meBut I decided to do my best I ordered the asparagus and courgette soup for starterThe quail with champ and wild mushrooms for mains And the ice cream and a cup of tea for dessert
First An amuse bouche was servedA tiny shot of soup in a delicate little cupIt was delicious And did the trick to whet our appetite The came the starter which was lovely Followed by the mainI was just finishing my quailWhen my mother called me I followed her gaze And found myself looking at my doctor I don't know why But I felt a little bit uncomfortable It's not the first time I've met him out and about And of course it's a small communityDo I am bound to run in to him somewhere He was just finishing his mealAnd waved as he went up to payI de used to take the opportunity to go to the bathroomWhen I came back He was still thereThen as he was leaving He tipped me on the shoulder and said goodbye I though that was really nice of himAnd just goes to show what a decent person he is 
I relaxed a little after he leftBut I wasn't myself anyway I was a bit quiet and withdrawnBut I did my best to stay in good form We were celebrating after allAnd we don't often have good news like thisAfter dessert We all had teas and coffeeAnd started to get ready to leaveIt was an expensive night out But againWe don't do it very often At me point in the nightI got a bit paranoid And thought my sister and my nephew were laughing at me They always mess when they get together But for some reason Probably because I was feeling a bit lowI thought they were making fun of meBy the end of the night I was fighting back tears And as soon as we got home I went straight to bed And had a proper cryMy sister came down to meAnd I told her why I was upsetShe said there was no way they were laughing at meI believe herBut I still felt really tearful woke up feeling a lot betterI guess this is another side of my illnessParanoia And thinking people are making fun of me Or laughing at me It's a horrible feeling To think that people would deliberately make me feel excluded like that I guess I am hyper sensitive And sometimes my feelings are warranted Sometimes notBut it's an amazing how a good nights sleep can make you feel better And able to see things clearly 
My Dad was down for the meal tooWe went out this morning with the dogs And he gave me a rather stern talking toHe noticed my weight loss He would as he only sees me every few weeks He expressed concern And pleaded with me not to lose anymore weight He said he couldn't face seeing me like a 'bag of bones' like I was before  I hate worrying my family And I guess it's down to me not to mAke them worried ButSomewhere Deep in my ED brainMy illness got a sick kick out of knowing that I've lost weight How twisted is that It makes me feel so guilty that I feel that way But I feel I have to be honest I hold on to my ED behavioursBecause they serve a purposeIt was the same with drugs or smoking At first There is a payoff for the behaviours With drugs it's the rushThe escape With smoking it's the calming and relaxing effectBut there comes a point When the negative consequences begin to our weight the positiveWith my ED It's a stress reliever Anxiety reliever It's also an escape And boiling things down to weight Gives me something to focus on other than my issuesSo I quit drugsGave up smoking Now food is my only vice And it's proving the trickiest to deal with
I have homework from Mary this weekAnd one of those items is to go to a meeting I've decided to go to the Tuesday lunch time meeting I also have to not purge as much as possible Eat three meals and two snacks I can't lie It's a lot to ask And I feel a bit overwhelmed But As ever It's one step at a time