Community Magazine

Never Give up

By Rubytuesday
They say that there are 5 stages to when we want to make a change
And maintenance
Never give up
This is true of any change we decide we want to make
Big or small
Whether it's changing your car
Or recovering from an eating disorder
For the longest time I was stuck being the first two stages
I wanted to want recovery
I was thinking about it
But not doing very much
I think in the last couple of months I have moved on to preparation
I've made the decision
I've chosen to pursue recovery
And I have taken some action
But there is still so much more to do
Things have improved greatly recently
My mood has picked up to the point that I actually feel something approaching happiness
Or contentment at least
But  am aware that there is still so much to do
I have reduced the purging
But it is still there
On  a bad day I can still purge up to 5 times
I had been eating regular meals up until recently
Now I have slipped back and am not eating at the table or eaating regular meals
Then there is my meds
That is an on going problem
As you know I am on quite a lot of meds
Realistically I don't need to be on all of them
And there are some days when I misuse them
Technically I am clean and sober
I don't take the drug that I wa addicted to
But I rely so much on my meds
Even when I take them properly they still make me very drowsy
I'm ashamed to admit that I  enjoy that feeling
It reminds me of the feeling of heroin
That's not good
Every Monday morning I collect my meds
Then I go straight to a hotel bathroom to take them
This  morning it struck me that I used to do this when I was addicted to heroin
I used to travel to Dublin
Get my drugs
Then go to a public bathroom to use them
Is what I am doing now any different to that?
It's not that I am in geeat pain any more and I am trying to avoid it
I take the meds because I find reality hard to deal with
I find it boring and monotonous and tedious
A day is a long time and I like being able to zone out when ever I want
How ever I worry that I am so reliant on my meds
My methadone is being reduced at the moment
And because I am not taking it properly the detox may not work properly
I could be leaving myself open to going to in to withdrawal
I want to be clean and sober
I really do
But I also really enjoy the effect my meds have on me
The make me sleepy
Comfortably numb
I feel stuck in a kind of limbo
Somewhere between my addiction and recovery
It's not a nice place to be
I want to live
For the first time in a long time I feel hopeful and positive
But I have a tendency to self sabotage
When things are going well it is so unfamiliar that my instinct is to fuck up
I've done it my whole life
It's Monday today
And I don't usually make goals but today I feel I need to
First I want to take my meds properly
I'm not going to get well if I keep doing what I'm doing
I'm going to stay exactly where I am
Second I want to get to three meetings this week
They are essential if I want to be drug free
I'm on a slippery slope
As I type this I can feel my meds taking effect
My body feels warm and relaxed
My eyes feel heavy
It's such a nice feeling
But is this what I want?
Is this how I want to live my life?
I can't have the life I want and misuse my meds
I can't help others if I can't help myself first
Thins are not perfect
Far from it fact
I'm still incredibly weight conscious
My ED still has a certain hold over me
But I will keep trying to do the next right thing
I will still try not to hurt myself or anyone else
I will continue to fight
I will continue to keep hoping and believing
I will never give up
Never give up

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