Published 30/8/2013 on GoThinkBig
The Internet went bonkers over Ben Affleck’s Batman casting – but fear not, jobseekers, I’ve found a way to make it all about us.
You probably never realised jobseeking made you anything like a superhero. Well, believe it, my un-caped crusaders. If don’t find a kindred spirit in this list, you probably know someone who would…
Batman
The Batman jobseeker is technically nothing special, apart from being incredibly driven and staggeringly well off. He could do ALL the unpaid internships.
Truthfully, he didn’t go into this industry for himself. His parents are his motivation for every single thing he does. And he tells EVERYONE.
He’s intense. For a drink, a water balloon fight, or anything under the heading of “harmless fun”, he’s an unlikely choice. For a talk, a shoulder to cry on or sage advice he’s downright useless, owing to all the staring-into-the-distance he’s got on his plate.
He has a much deeper voice than is strictly plausible.
Sound like you? Try…
…smiling. Employers want a tolerable workmate. They don’t want to hear “I’m getting a coffee…that’s what my parents would have wanted…”
Robin
He’s “friends” with the deep-voiced rich guy. Follows him around, in fact. Closely. He’s the excited newbie, the eager intern, the one who turns up early with a thankless muffin for the boss. People wonder if the Robin Jobseeker has been poisoned, and promised the antidote the minute he shows his mentor sufficient love.
He has zero true credentials, hoping to cadge some success by making the right friends.
Sound like you? Try…
…getting some training and real experience. Create and sell your own idea. Don’t ride on someone else’s cape. Also, whoever picked out that outfit for you is not a friend. They’re someone who’s winning a bet.
Superman
The Superman Jobseeker is exceptionally talented – he could take anyone, including the rich guy who’s now hanging out with Ben Affleck (cringe). Weirdly, people often debate which of them would win in a fight. Er…one has MAD otherworldly skills, the other has a butler and a needy sidekick.
However, the Superman Jobseeker is not from round here, and he’s finding it difficult to adjust. He has a little cry about it in the Fortress of Solitude (translation: loner cave).
He’s a bit of an open book – his competitors know EXACTLY what his weaknesses are, and can order batches of it off the Internet.
Sound like you? Try…
…being a bit more discreet about your pitfalls. Don’t offer them up to interviewers or fellow job candidates.
You might also want to take a look at your wardrobe. Try wearing your pants UNDER your trousers. They’re called underpants. That’s the clue. “Underpants” isn’t short for “trousers go under pants”.
Also, stop chasing that woman you like. She’s a real journalistic go-getter, but totally shallow. I heard her say you’re cute, but “no one likes a four-eyes”. DO NOT switch to contacts for her.
Catwoman
The Catwoman jobseeker is hot, and therefore no one cares what she can do. They just want to see her in tight clothes. In fact I have literally no idea what her talents are. I’ve never even heard her mentioned without a suggestive purring sound.
Sound like you? Try…
…naming and shaming everyone who judges you on looks, and tag them with the #everydaysexism hashtag.
And do a project of your OWN. Don’t just pop up on whatever the deep-voiced rich guy pursues and sexily muscle-in for half the credit. In fact, end this mild flirtation. It’s going nowhere. He just makes intense comments about what he “has to do” then takes a long, hard gander at your tits. (So does his little mate. For appearances.)
The Hulk
Jobseeking gives him the right peeves. People don’t like him when he’s stroppy, and with good reason – he’s a real tool when he gets ripped-shirty.
Sometimes his anger drives him to take necessary action – SOMETIMES. Mostly it makes him break things he has no quarrel with, like door frames, lamp posts, bystanders.
Sound like you? Try…
…calming down, jeez. We’re all in the same boat. You can’t be this pissy when you’re employed – what are the chances that your future boss will NEVER gives you a case of the breakies? Low. Lower than Ben Affleck’s current self esteem. The tit.
Spider-Man
Being a jobseeker is so boring he regularly finds himself climbing the walls.
He occasionally freelances for pitiful money, and even though the boss loves his work he’s too much of a pompous, cigar-suckling oaf to hire him properly. The Spider-Man jobseeker is more than capable of throwing him out a window, but way too nice a guy.
Sound like you? Try…
…asking for the money and job security you deserve.
Your eyes are puppy-like enough to pull off that put-upon moist look, but stay away from Facebook when you’re stressed. No one needs to hear any more about your “great responsibility”.
Also, the fellow jobseeker you’re secretly in love with thinks you’re adorable, so go for it. You won’t get your head bitten off afterwards.
Bullshit Man
Since I’m doling out superhero personas, I should get to pick my own. I’ve decided to go with Karl Pilkington’s inspired creation, Bullshit Man. Although I can’t fly, I have pointed at certain office practices and exclaimed, “BULLSHIT!” – often to awkward silence, hot contention and the insinuation that I’m a dick.
Sound like you? Try…
…NOT DOING THAT. At least, not in such an obvious, grating way. Politely state that you disagree, explain why and back it up with evidence and examples. That way they’ll have to keep their insinuation that you’re a dick tucked away in the privacy of their brains. Otherwise, come and hang out in the Fortress of Never-Getting-a-Job-itude. It’s just me and Mad Johnny at the moment.
(Sorry – I mean it’s just me and “Professor Johnny”. He’s been giving lectures on the mating rituals of otters, to no one in particular. I challenge their accuracy. I don’t think twerking is a thing for otters.)
For more from How To Jobless, check out the rest in the My Week In Joblessness series as well as the official How To Be Jobless blog.
