I’m finally back and settled from my Massachusetts trip, I had a wonderful time at the 5 colleges and I hope to see y’all again soon. One question that I got a lot from the people at my talks was how to deal with the criticism and concern trolling that come at me. There is a phrase that I have found to be truly useful in dealing with all kinds of situation. The phrase is “Help me understand…”
Some examples:
A doctor tells me that I should lose weight to be healthier (or cure strep throat, a broken toe, or a separated shoulder). I say “Can you help me understand what research you are basing this recommendation on?”
Someone comments on what I’m eating. I say “Please help me understand what made you think I wanted your opinion about my food choices.”
Someone says something hateful (blah blah blah landwhale blah blah blah). I say “Help me understand what makes you think that I want to hear what you think of me.” (though what I really want to ask is why they can’t just call me a fat animal that actually lives on land rather than making up an animal, but whatever.)
Someone insists that I should stop talking about what a massive failure Weight Watchers is because they did it 6 times and it worked every time. I say “help me understand your definition of ‘worked’”
Obviously, this isn’t for all situations, or for all people – you get to decide what works for you. I like it because it puts the onus on the person who began the interaction. It can also have a number of different connotations depending on what tone of voice I use. In situations where I’m actually interested in an answer (like with the doctor) it can be a conversation starter and be less combative than, for example, saying “I don’t think that weight loss meets the requirements of evidence-based medicine.” In the case where someone has just been inappropriate it gives them the opportunity to make that determination on their own and apologize, which I have found often happens.
If you’re going to do this I think it helps to understand that you are inviting conversation – the person who commented on my food may come back with “your body shows me that you need somebody’s advice” and so I don’t use this unless I feel like I’m prepared to engage. Also, please be clear that nobody is under any obligation to engage in these conversations. It’s perfectly ok to say “I’m not taking unsolicited opinions about my food” in a way that does not invite conversation. Being fat in a society where people are encouraged to participate in stereotyping, bullying, and oppressing people based on their sides leads to a lot of effed up situations. So to me, it’s all about empowerment and whatever makes each of us the most empowered in an effed up situation. If you have suggestions – super secret and magic or otherwise – I, as always, hope you’ll put them in the comments.
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