Today I found the journal I kept when I was a teenager. I was 17 and my eating disorder was just starting to creep it’s way into my life. It creeped it’s way in slowly. I hardly saw it coming, but before I knew it it had completely taken over. It felt like every minute of every single day was spent thinking about what I HAD eaten, WAS eating or was GOING to eat. My life was filled with fear, shame and guilt..but very little food.
My disorder nearly killed me.
To be honest, there were times when I wished it would.
But it didn’t. I’m still here. And after over 20 years of fighting against myself, I finally found a way to fight for myself instead.
I wrote this poem many, many years ago but think it makes sense to post it now, during Eating Disorder Awareness week:
My life as an Anorexic
Alone I lived inside my head
never wanting to leave my bed
On the outside so strong and tough
But inside never good enough
I spent each moment wrapped in fear
Afraid of looking in the mirror
What power it had over me
It’s reflection was my enemy
My bones were not distinct enough
My stomach still too round
I weighed my worth in numbers
And hated every pound
My body ached from hunger
And I relished in the pain
This war I fought within myself
was driving me insane
“Please somebody help me!”
I shouted every word
But my prayers went unanswered
My pleas were never heard
Waiting lists went on for years
fees were just too high
My future looking grimmer
My life was slipping by
But way out in the distance
Though my eyes must strain to see
The light of hope is flickering
and calling out to me
It’s up to me to live my life
the best I can each day
Or give in to the madness
and waste it all away
