I am slowly but surely coming to terms with the size of my chest I have to They are out there front and center for everyone to seeThere is no denying them nowI have taken out my new bras many times since yesterday And looked at them in disbelief They are a thing of wonder I swear you could fit a basketball in each cupIt could swaddle a small child It could hold two adult sized heads I shit you notI have tried many times to get a photo But Photos just don't do it justiceI did think about posting a photo of me just in my bra But after consulting with my mother We decided that it might attract an unsavoury element to my blogSo that was a no go
But all joking aside It's quite the traumatic event getting measured for a bra having gained weight Growing up I was pretty flat chested In to my twenties I was a 32 BBlooming to a 34 D is a relatively new phenomenon But I guess it's partly to do with my age also I am 34 I am a grown woman Even though Most of the time I am in denial about that My body has changed in the last few years I used to be so straight up and down No curves No shapes Now?Well I have curves and shape to spare And I am becoming ok with that I've lost and gained so much weight over the years My body probably doesn't know what is happening And is trying to hold on to weight for dear lifeI know I wrote about it yesterday But I was in genuine shock when the sales lady had me try on a 34 DI thought she was just trying to figure out what size I was And then when it fit perfectly!WellI was in disbelief And you guys Not even only is my second bra a 32 DIt's a 32 DD!I was too embarrassed to say yesterday But she actually said I was between a D and a DDJesus H Christ ladies!What is happening to me?I swear I don't recognize myself anymoreI think I am becoming Dare I say it Plus sizeI feel like I have gone beyond the realm of a normal healthy weightAnd am tipping in to plus size Now I could be completely wrong about that I mean I am a UK size 10So technically I am still of a normal healthy weightBut you guys I feel like there is so much of me at the moment That I can barely contain myself It's scary It's exciting It's terrifying It's thrilling It's so many emotions and feelings
One of the great things about my bra now fitting correctly Is that it gives my body a nice shape I look in proportionMy waist looks smaller in comparison to my chest And I just look a bit more balancedSo that's niceNow I just need the confidence to rock my new look!
I just asked my Mum if she thinks I am plus size She clicked her tongue and laughed So maybe I am wrong about that one I'm just trying to make myself feel a little better about this situation
I am aware that there are people reading this Who are still in the midst of their illnessStill suffering Still underweight And can't even contemplate allowing themselves to gain weightI know that what I'm writing about here today is something that you might even greatly fearAnd just can't let yourself go to that place I know because I was you I was in that placeWhen I was sick and underweight Allowing myself to gain weight was just out of the questionI couldn't comprehend itIt was something that terrified me To the point that I went to drastic measures to keep my weight lowI over exercisedI purged a stupid amount every dayI used laxatives and enemas I ate and allowed my body to consume precious littleWeight gain was my biggest fearI can remember being in treatment I couldn't let go of the controlCouldn't eat and keep it down Wouldn't let my body absorb the calories it so desperately neededAt that time In my mind There was nothing worse that gaining weight It was inconceivable I couldn't get my head around it But then As you know About last AprilI began to regain weightIn a lot of ways My recovery has happened in spite of me In a lot of ways It feels like I was carried along on a wave of love and supportAnd weight gain and recovery happened to me Rather than something I actively participated inI know that sounds strangeBut that's the way it feelsAnd I know that is probably the exception rather than the norm
But what I want to tell youAnd you know I would never lie to you That weight gain hasn't been the horrid thing that I thought it would beOf course As first It was traumatic And for me it happened very quickly Faster than I could process itI can vividly remember the first time I noticed weight gainI was still very under weightBut I was in the shower one night And I noticed that my tummy felt bigger I got out of the shower And proceeded to weigh myself I had gained a couple of kilos And I just wanted to die That was probably my lowest moment in regard to weight regainAfter that It got easier I saw the benefits that came along with weight gain And I realised that I would rather be healthy and happy Rather than underweight and miserable Yes There is a feeling of satisfaction knowing that you are thinBut if you are utterly miserable Is it really worth it?I really don't think so
Of course I realize that when I was illSo many people told me these exact words That recovery is worth itAnd I just had to take a leap of faithSo many people My family My friendsThe professionals Told me to take a chance And I would reap the rewards But I know it's no good being told this You have to experience it for yourself Because I didn't believe those people Didn't want to believe them I was so stuck in a rut So disorderedAnd my thinking was so warped You don't think straight when you are malnourishedIt's harder to make sense of things
Now that I am out the other side of my ED I feel it my duty and obligationTo tell you that there is life beyond EDAnd addictionI am more cautious to talk about addictionAs I still struggle with this Regarding my meds But with my ED?My life is unrecognisable I feel one million times better I look very different I am a different person And I need you to know that it is possible for you too It's essential thdt you don't give up hope That you keep fighting for a better lifeAnd a better futureBecause there is a second chance for all of us If you are like me You might think that it is too late for youBut it's never too late Never I am 35 years oldAnd it's only now that I am figuring things out And I am a slow learner My twenties were really tough A lot of people's twenties areIt's a time when we are trying to figure out who we are And what we are about Often we make a lot of silly choices and mistakes during this time God knows I sure did But now that I have reached my thirties I am a bit more sure of myself A bit more settledAnd it's such a relief Such a good feeling to be finally figuring things outBecause for so long I was so lost So afraid So lonely But now Now things are coming together for meAnd I am so grateful for that
So please If you do one thing today Allow yourself to believe that there is a better life for youThere is life after anorexia/bulimia There is hope There is faithThere is a second chance for youI know because it happened to me I fell as low as you can goBut I stand here before you todayStronger than everIf I can help just one person with my blogAnd my experience Then my path and my experience has been worth it So please Today Give yourself a breakGive yourself the best gift of allThe gift of recovery and life Because you are worth it We all are
Now Back to boobs Here is a photo of one of my new bras You see?It's mahoosive!!!
