Monday Monday

It's Monday morningAnd it couldn't have come soon enoughAll day yesterdayI felt I was on the verge of withdrawalI was yawning constantlyMy eyes were streamingNose was runningAnd some time yesterday evening a dull ache set in my bones I can't remember the last time I had meds left on a SundayAnd Sunday is like an eternity with no meds The only thing that keeps me going is the thought of a fresh batch of meds in the morning 
I went to bed at one Read until twoTossed and turned until threeGot up had a cup of tea and a biscuitRead some moreAnd sometime in the wee hours I finally fell asleep
I awoke to a snow covered mountainBone chillingly cold Even the dogs didn't want to go outsideI made teaAnd settled down to watch an episode of FrasierFor those of you that don't knowFrasier is a show that aired in the ninties About a psychiatrist and his familyI've watched the whole thing three times and I still find it hilariousThen I got dressed Pulling on extra warm socks And a fleece in an effort to keep the heat inI piled my dogs In to the carFetched my sister and headed offDespite the snowThe roads weren't too badAnd I arrived on timeI sat in the waiting roomAnd read an article about how bloggers are taking over the worldSoon my doctor called me inHe told me to go ahead in to his roomI went in and sat in my usual seatI looked around the roomThe green feature wallThe weighing scalesWhich always catches my attentionI noticed how messy his desk wasCoffee cupsPapers everywhereI took a tissue out of a box and cleaned my noseSoon my doctor came inHe sat down and smiled at me 'How was your week?' He asked'Ok' I replied 'Did your methadone hold you?''Just about''Did you see The Boy at all?''Just once but didn't use' I saidHe didn't drug test meI told him it was harder to stay away fromThe  Boy than I thought'Do you like him?' He asked'Kind of' I saidHe gave me a knowing lookAs if to say 'That's looking for trouble girl'
He said last week that he was going to decease my methadone this weekI asked him if he still planned on doing thatHe said he was'Can you leave it at 26mls for another week or two?' I asked 'No' he said flatly'Just another week to get back on track?''No' he repeated pointedly I was quiet for a moment as he wrote my scriptI was cheeky and asked him once more 'Just one more week?' I chanced my arm'Ok' he gave in'One more week but don't argue with me next week''I won't' I promisedI know that's manipulation I know I can get around him if I want toAnd I shouldn't Because he is a kind and decent doctor And I should really take his advice moreHe gave me my scriptAnd left'Be good' he said to me as I walked out'I will' I smiled
I am slowly but surely coming around to the fact that I just can't useAnd that means I can't see The BoyHe may be able to hold down a job and live a relatively normal life usingBut I sure can't It doesn't matter if I use once or one hundred timesThe level of chaos is the sameI have to accept that I have an addictive personalityThere is no off switch it off button with meOnce I start I can't stopFor love nor money
My feelings for The Boy are another problem He texted yesterdayAnd I actually had anxiety when I saw his name show up on my phone But in a strange wayJust knowing he wants to see me is enoughJust knowing that he may have feelings for me is enoughDespite what my family thinkHe is not a bad personI know he doesn't think that giving me poppy tea is a bad thingIn his mind it is preferable to heroinAnd anyway His life is more or less togetherHe functionsAs I have said beforeThis is the first boy contact I've had in a long timeAnd when I say a long timeI mean it's been ten years since I've had a boyfriendBut then I was illSo I was in no position to entertain boysIt's only now that I am feeling betterThat I can even fathom having a relationship with a boyFor those ten years boys were not on my radar at allAnd I didn't miss what I didn't haveBut as you have said to meThis is just one boy And even I know it would never workThere is a whole world of boys out thereAnd I do believe there is someone for meWho is meant for meWho is healthy for meI know there is
 So this week is operation get back on trackDare I say it I am planning to go to a meeting this morningAm I am looking in to starting an animal care course in SeptemberI think it's now imperative that I find an occupationAnd working with animals is where I am happiest
I got a question on my last post asking me for tops about starting to write a blogSo I am going to write a post about that tomorrowI know that a lot of you have been blogging for a long timeSo I would love if you chimed in with any advice you have about creating a blog
Have a happy Monday everyoneSee you on the next post