Monday 4 January

This are beginning to come to a headI've been feeling so low Both physically And mentallyI always say that the day that I don't walk my dogs Is a day there is something very wrong with meWell these days myself and Lea are only going for short token walksBless her She doesn't seem to notice the difference And still comes back happyAs if she'd walk 5 milesBut it's like they know something is wrongLea is so clingy these days Always at my side Always wanting to be stroked Honey is also playing upBarking like a lunatic every time I go in to the kitchen They are so intune They pick up on the smallest change in me or their routine I hate that I am effecting them too
I went out yesterday morning To pick up some food When I came home My Mam came to speak to meAnd asked me if I was aware that I was stockpiling food againTo be perfectly honestI wasn't awareI thought I was just buying neccesities But thinking about it I am buying bags of binge food I am back in the binge purge cycle
Later on last night I broke down to my MamI told her how shitty I am feeling And how low I feel She told me to speak to my doctor She hugged meWiped my tears And in a very firm voice told me that I would get through this And I would be okI felt a little better after speaking to herBut spent the rest of the evening trying to fight back tears It's also hard because we have a few visitors staying So I'm trying to be in good formWhich as you know, is not easy to doBut I know no one expects me to put on a show It's pressure I put on myselfI went to bed early And cried myself to sleep 
I woke earlyIn time to keep my 9am appointment It being the first day back after ChristmasThe surgery was full of people I had just taken a seat When my name was called I followed my doctor in to his roomAnd sat for a minute while he turned his computer onTrying to formulate lucid sentences in my headWhen he asked me how I wasIt poured out of me like word vomit Feeling so low physically Like I'm going to pass out all the time He said I looked very drawnHe took my bloodsTo check my electrolytes Took my BPWhich was ok He also checked my throat Which was redAnd my glands which were swollenHe thought I might have a virus But I said it was probably from the purging He agreed Then The dreaded scale He weighed me I've lost 6 kilos since he weighed me last most24 pounds in the last 2 monthsNo wonder I am feeling so badMy doctor told me to ring in the morning for the results of my bloodsI thanked himAnd left
After collecting my medsI went back to k to the surgery to see Breda The first thing she said to me was how I look drained and pale It was an effort just to be there To just talk And trying to be positive was really wiping me outShe told me to take it easyTo rest And look after myself Everyone keeps saying this to me But I don't know what I'm meant to be doing I mean I do know But what else should I be doing?I'm just so tired My body is in bits trying to stay together The thing is And what I was saying to my mom last night I can't believe I have been so stupidTo think that I could have lost some weight And leave it at that Over course my ED was going to take over at some point 
So The plan this weekIs to ring MarySee my psychiatrist tomorrowAnd keep my hospital appointment on FridayApart from that Rest Eat Build myself up again I haven't felt this bad in years I asked my mother last nightIf I am ever going to get wellShe replied with absolutely no hesitation or doubt Yes RubyOf course you willI hope she is right......