Monday 25 January

The weekend was pretty busyMy brother and his partner were here for a couple of nights I love having them hereBut I was also glad for things to go back to normal yesterdayIt felt like Christmas was a month long this year As we had so many visitorsI love when there are people in the house But I also feel a bit of relief when they leave And I can get back to my usual routine My ED tends to get out of hand when there are people here And I try to eat in secret Which is not really doable when there is a house full of peopleWhen my brother and his partner leftI found myself in the middle of a non stop eat purge cycle I literally couldn't stop And a big part of me wasn't aware I was doing itAt about 8pm last night I was in the kitchen Making pasta My mother came in She said 'Ruby, are you aware you've been eating and purging all day? I'm really worried about you, you're spinning out of control!'Just then My sister came in to the roomAnd backed up what my mother was sayingI was mortified So embarrassed I just wanted to run awayMy mother kept saying that I was going to kill myself And this had to stopI must admit though I hadn't fully realised it was this bad I mean of course I know I am purging a lot But I never thought it was noticeable to othersWhich is silly reallyBecause of course they notice They live with me They see me going around in circles from the kitchen to the bathroomOne thing is for sure This has to stop Before I lose  my mind and my sanityBefore something really bad happens 
I saw my doctor this morning He asked me if I enjoyed the meal out on Froday night And asked me if I find it difficult going out to eat  I do I told him that going out for dinner is not my first choice of things to do for funMy doctor sat back in his chairAs he does when he's up for a chatHe asked me about purging And how much I ate I told him I had three courses Which for me was way too much to stomachAnd that I purged in between each oneHe made the point that I could just have one courseAnd try and keep that down I mean yesThat makes perfect senseBut the thing is I want to eat the food But my eyes are bigger than my belly And I always end up feeling really full and uncomfortable I told my doctor that I am seeing my psychiatrist again next week And he had spoken about increasing the Prozac My doctor said we could look at that Last week he talked about reducing the methadone todayBut because things are a bit all over the place We put that off for a couple of weeksI was glad of that 
Seriously thoughI need to get back on track I can't go on like this It's a living hell I feel so out of control And something has got to give My body will only tolerate so much abuseBefore it starts to break downAnd I get really ill And I hate that I am worrying my family I hate that they are suffering along with meSo today I am making a big effort Breakfast is fine I eat tea and toast at the table every morning This is a relatively new thing for meBut recently I have got in to the routine of doing itAnd now it has become my new normalI don't usually eat lunch I tend to graze through out the dayThen in the evening I have dinner with my mom and sister But always purge At night I could eat and purge up to five timesThe thing is I'm not sure I can do thisPeople always say to me You gave up smoking You quit drugs Of course you can do this But I'm not so sure Food is proving to be the most difficult addiction to crackBut I have to If I want any semblance of a normal life
I can't quite put my finger on when this relapse started I know I started losing weight mid November And lost it very quicklyBut even before that My mood had dipped markedly In Turkey I wasn't in great form And I've had some really bad days since then I've been feeling lower than usualFeeling like something awful is going to happen Like an impending sense of doomI've also been feeling hopelessLike I am a lost cause And I must admit It has been tempting to just disappearBut that is a permanent answer to a temporary problem I feel hyper sensitive too Hyper aware Sonetimes my feelings are rightBut more often than not I am picking up things that are not actually there Which leads to a touch of paranoiaAnd that is a nightmare in itself 
The truth is though I have a lot to live for My family My dogs The prospect of getting a job I would love The possibility of meeting a nice guy All the wonderful experiences that I will have if I just hang in there Really my self esteem needs a good injection of self belief and confidence I'm trying to build myself upAnd start to like myself And believe in myself But I have a tendency to put myself down And beat myself upIt's hard to have any confidence It's hard to believe that I am enough just the way I am This is why I think the job would be great for me I could really thrive and blossom given the opportunity And it would do wonders for my confidence Speaking of the job I am hoping to hear from them today or tomorrow The waiting is killing me And I sincerely hope it's good newsBut whatever happens I know I did my best And gave it a good shotThat's all I could do  And if it doesn't work out There will be something else Something perfect for me
I hate the fact that so much of my blog recently has been about my ED behavioursI truly hope that I am not triggering anyone I do want tngive an honest account of my life and my recovery But I also don't want this to become a habit I am going to do my best to get back on track I had got a point where my ED was secondary in my life It didnt infringe on my life anymore But now WellIt's taking it over againAnd I hate that I just need to slowly change my behaviours My way of doing things I have to do itWhat is the alternative.....?