Monday

I really do apologize for my lack of posting
I guess I have been busy living And I don't have the time to be writing as much as I used toBack when I was in the midst of my illness I had nothing but time And posted every dayBecause all I had in my life was the disorder It's was all I thought about Talked about Wrote about Read about But nowWellThings are a lot different I have regained weight to a healthy BMII no longer deny myself food in order to lose weight I used to purge up to 20 times a day Now it's a rarity rather than the normWhat a transformation it has been A crazy ride But I made it out the other sideI lived to tell the tale Now I don't think about food the way I used toFood used to be the enemy Something to be feared Because food meant weight And weight was badSkinny was good And underweight was even better It was a safe place I was a sick personThat became my identity But rewind about 15 yearsAnd after dabbling in drugs for a few yearsI become addicted to heroinWhile using I stayed in various different drug houses Where the number one priority was drugs Not food Not heating Every penny went on the drug So I would spend a few weeks in the drug house Then when the money ran out I would go home to recharge my batteries I can do clearly remember going home And being overwhelmed by all the food in the fridge I was so hungry But I felt so guilty that I had food And my drug using friends didn't This was the start of my associating food with guiltAnd I've never been the same since My eating disorder began here Although it took me a long time to make the connectionBut I know now that food is not the issue It's a symptom of a greater problem For meI know I have an addictive personality Coupled with the fact that I struggle to live in reality I have low self esteemAnd long to get away from my own thoughts I've been addicted to many things over the years Shoplifting ExercisingShoppingSpending money Drifter chocolate bars Enemas Laxatives Prescription meds I could go on and on...The moral of the story is that I need to be carefulIf I get a good feeling off something I tend to want it again and again And quickly get addictedBut at least now I am awareAnd can keep an eye on my behaviour I've often talked about how addiction and an ED leave a gaping void when they are taken away Which needs to be addressed and filled with some thing healthy For meI filled that void with my life of horses and animals in general And that is a hell of a lot better than drugs or shopping or drinking 
In other news I've been visiting Coco a good bit I usually go over three times a weekAnd being Mam and the dogs I think Coco is coming on leaps and bounds In the morning We give him a bucket of feed And an apple or a carrot After that it's play time And I run around the field with him and the dogs Coco has really taken a shine to Lea He follows her everywhere And one day when we sitting down He started to groom her Which was just adorable It's lovely to see Coco running and frolicking and bucking and playingHe seems to get a great kick out of all the attention he gets And I love to se him so happy Last weekI brought a grooming mitt over And gradually Coco let me groom his nose and face and chest I swear that pony has so much potential To watch him with Lea is just beautiful And he is so gentle with her   Cocos owner Gordon  and me have been talking about getting him a companionGordon says it's up to me If I wanted to get a pony/horse for riding Well I don't need to tell you My eyes nearly popped outAnd the excitement was massive!The thoughts of getting my very own pony ?That is the dream right there!But lookI know this is something that I really shouldn't rush in to Ok So I have land And plenty of it I have a companion I have the benefit of the knowledge from my course And also Gordon who has spent his whole life around horses I did get some good news last weekThdtbi have my job again in the summer Starting May This is fantastic news!And it means I will get a chance to save moneySoThe plan is to work as many hours as I can Save every penny And hopefully at the end of the season I will have €2000-€3000 saved Enough to adopt a horse And to get started  There are some great horse sanctuary in this country And I have contacted a couple of them So I will keep my options open But you guys How exciting is this?Possibly getting my very first horse!I never though that this could actually happen Having my own horse. Would give me a reason to stay wellA reason to get up in the morningI feel super excited But I won't rush in to anything I need to 'pace myself' as my mother says This is not something to be decided on a whimI need to be prepared I need the funds And the time and energy It's a massive commitment and responsibility I want to give my prospective horse the best life possible I can't wait to see what this year brings 
Is it just me or does blogger seem very quiet?Do let me know if you are out there and still reading Let me know that I am not alone...