Monday

Apologies for the post free weekend The weather here has been glorious So I've spent most of it outsideAway from phones and TVs and computers As you may know Here in Ireland We pretty much get pants weather As in much rainMuch windAnd an awful lot of coldBut about once a year Just to tease us Mother Nature gives a little taste of what it's like to live in a sunny climate So for the last weekOur weather beaten country has been bathed in sunlight And boy do we appreciate the good weather when we get it I spent Saturday out in the garden In shorts and a vest I fell asleep in the sun a couple of times And by evening I looked like I was wearing red socks And a red t-shirt I was so burnedMy skin felt hot and tight But it was my own fault I didn't wear sun creamAnd I stayed out way too long It was hard to sleep that night As any pressure on my skin was agony I woke up the next morning Hoping it had begun to turn brown But it was still angry and red
Sunday morning And I had a horse riding lesson booked In the place where I fell off the horse three weeks ago I can't lie Having no been away for so long I was nervous to go back I thought about cancelling But I wanted to go back I didn't want my fear to get the better of meSo I headed out for my 10am lessonI wore my new boots And really felt the part I arrived to see that Susan the instructor had a different horse for me A beautiful chestnut coloured one called Princess Susan said she thought Princess was suited better to me As I am 'a tiny little thing'Princess was also older and slower And is what they call a 'confidence giver'Age was definitely smaller than Sonny And more biddable I told Susan I was nervous So she talked me through everything And let me walk around the arena for a while Just to get my beatings Straight away I felt much better on PrincessMore comfortable More in control On Sonny I felt like I couldn't control him As we walked around Susan constantly spoke to me To try and relieve my tension and anxiety I decided to tell Susan a bit about myself So she knows where I am coming from I explained that my previous horse riding was more horse therapy than lessons I also told her that I Am recovering from an eating disorder And horse therapy is part of my treatment Susan immediately apologised for calling me a tiny little thing But thdt didn't bother me at all I know she didn't mean any thing by Other than making an observationI felt comfortable enough with Susan to tell her this As I just wanted her to know why I am horse riding And how my life has been effected Including my self esteem and confidence Susan was lovely And it felt good to be honest with her I really have no problem telling people about my past I don't feel ashamed I don't feel embarrassed It's my life My story At least it was my story Now I am writing a new chapter Where I throw myself in to life Where I live my life The way I want to Where I work I study I swim I dance I ride horsesI laugh I love Where I don't live a life dictated by drugs or food 
Soon I was trotting on Princess And it felt good All the while Susan was correcting me And giving my instructions It felt amazing on Princess So light I felt like I was floating So fluid and streamlined I asked Susan if we would try cantering today She left it up to me I really wanted to try As I love to canter And I wanted to face my fearSusan gave me a bit of notice Then gave me the signAs she told Princess to canter I held the safety strapAnd sat in as much as I could I felt Princess speed up And I anchored myself in the stirrups With my heels down as much as I could As we went in to the canter I felt comfortable and in control It felt amazing The speed And the power of the horse is exhilarating It felt so good to face my fear After cantering a few timesI felt so much more relaxed Susan said I looked like a different personMuch happier And less worried I was just glad to have stayed on the horse!The half hour was over so quickly And to cool down Susan brought me outside for a wAlk up the lane The cool breeze was welcome And we chatted some more Myself and Susan clicked really wellAnd I can genuinely see us being friends All too soon The lesson was over We brought Princess back to her stall And went around to the office I paid and thanked Susan And headed for home I always feel so good after a lessonIt's a natural highA real adrenaline rush I feel so grateful to have found something that I love to do And get so much out of itI'm meeting new people I'm around animals I couldn't be happier It's also great for my confidence And that ripples out to other areas of my life too I really feel like I am growing Getting stronger And feeling more capable and competent 
Today I had my doctor first thing My own doctor is away So I had Nice Woman Doctor this morning It was a quick one She asked me about the pancreatitis And told me that I should get bloods repeated in a couple of weeksTo check my Amaylase count Just to keep an eye on things After collecting my meds I went for a walk on the beach with the dogs We had a lovely time And they both went for a swim I did a little bit of shopping Before heading home Mum is still on crutches after her operation But she is much more mobile now She needs a lot of help And I am basically running the house at the moment Which I am actually really enjoying Of course I Always do my fair share of house work But at the moment the majority of the work is down to me The cooking The cleaning And anything that needs doing It feels good to be in control And I don't mind it at allOn Wednesday I am traveling to Dublin with my DadHe is going to see a consultant about his hands His hands have lost a lot of power And the muscle seems to be wasting away Which also seems to be spreading up his arms He needs a lot of help He can't button his buttons Can't open jars Anything that requires grip or power he can't doI am really hoping that there is something that can be done to help As he is really disabled as he is Anyway Fingers crossed 
So yes Things are ticking along nicely I feel good I feel well and strong and content Life is good And it's amazing to be able to say that I Am so grateful to be in a good place God knows it's taken me long enough to get here But better late than never right?Right I feel hope for the first time in years I feel like I have a shot at living a happy life I feel positive I feel strong And I am loving life I can't ask for more than that.....