Monday

Busy morning this morningDoctor as usual first thingOn my way in I pass The Plumbers house In fact I pass his house at least twice a dayThis morning he was just pulling out as I passed And was then directly behind meI fought the urge to give him the finger And make rude gestures in the rear view mirror Thankfully He turned off at the next roadI think he has a new girlfriend though Because often when I pass There is a sporty little number parked outside his house My sister says it looks like a hairdressers carHow she works that out I'm not sure I'm not stalking them or anything I just happen to be an observant person...ahemAnyway Enough about them Good luck to them They make a good teamShe can cut his hairAnd he can service her pipesA match made inheaven
It was short and sweet today at the doctorsJust the way I like it I told him briefly about the horsesHe told me he had forgotten to ring his sister for her birthday yesterdayI was out by 9 10amAnd in the pharmacy waiting for my script at 9 15amIt's hard to believe that I've been going to my doctor for over ten years now Every Monday morning at the same time Same placeSame routine My weekly trips trips to the doctor have nothing to do with my EDIt's because I am on a methadone programmeThey can't prescribe more than a week at a time As it is a controlled drugAnd by rights I should be drug tested every week But my doctor rarely does this In a way It's good thing to have this appointment every weekIt keeps me on the straight and narrowIt keeps me accountable And God knows I need that 
After collecting my scriptI headed back to the surgeryI nipped in to the bathroom To take my meds Then took a seat outside Bredas waiting room As I had an appointment with her at 9 30amA couple of minutes later Breda arrived And I followed her in to her roomI haven't seen her in a good few weeksSo filled her in in all that has been happening The job The meetings The horse riding She said things seemed to be steady at the moment The only thing that I need to tackle is my purging And my physical health Which is still not great Breda asked me if I would be willing to take a supplement drink Like EnsureJust to help build up my reserves I said I would think about itBut I'm not all that keen I would rather eat my calories ButIf I have to I will I feel like I still haven't fully bounced back after my latest bout of pancreatitis back in DecemberI still get really tired easilyWeakDizzyEvery day activities are a struggle Even walking my dogs takes massive effort And that is not like meBecause I am more active nowI'm aware that I need more sustenance More energyMore fuel in the tank Purging is still a problemAnd I'm sure it is contributing to my feeling so off colourSo A lot of work done But still more to do
I am trying to hold steady as far as my weight is concerned I haven't lost anything recently And my BMI hovers around 17Not too lowBut still not healthy eitherThe thing is to try and not lose any more ground Breda talks a lot about having a strong foundationShe compared it to a building A building won't stand Unless it has a solid baseIn order to stay standing It needs a strong foundationAnd once the foundation is stabilised You can add in more structures as you need them I like this analogy As all too often I have tried to stand my building on a crumbling foundationAnd of course it all falls down in that caseBut I feel like my building is beginning to tAke shape My foundation is solid And my life is coming together Now I just need to maintain things Which is always the hard part for me Breda asked me about using And if I get cravings I can't lie I do get the odd craving Lately I've been getting kind of flash backs back to the start of my using I used to go to Dublin with my boyfriend and his friends We staying in a flat in the north inner city I actually have good memories of that time I was using But I was not yet addicted I was just starting to take heroinAnd I felt like my mind was opening I felt like I was so connected to my boyfriend and the others in the flatOf course This was the honey moon stage of my addictionThe part where everything seems great And you get lured in It doesn't last long Once you become physically addicted You can kiss goodbye to any semblance of a normal life And the nightmare begins I still get cravings I still have moments where I think that using seems like a good ideaBut I'm able to ride it out I know it will pass If I just hold onI do have a lot of drug dreams They are anxiety dreams Where I'm trying to find drugs But I can't get to them They are always the same Same situationSame people And usually in the dream I start smoking again tooIt's always a relief to wake up
Breda also asked me about things at home And how I was getting on there My home life is good at the moment It's me My MamAnd my sister I love living here Love living with my family And of course Honey and Lea I am in no rush to move out I know I would be lonely if I was on my own It would be good to have my own space But I would rather live with someone Than be on my ownI mean I have every independence here I can do my own thing I can live my own life But I still have the support of my family God knows I need that Plus Financially speaking It would not make much sense to maintain another house I am very lucky to be in my situationI'm lucky to have the support I have But still have my independence So I won't be changing my living arrangements any time soon Also I wouldn't like to uproot the dogs They are so settled here I'd hate to upset them I can just imagine if I had my own place I would be taking in every stray dog and cat in the county So yesI'll be staying out for now 
I finished up with Breda And headed back to the car to meet MumWe did some shopping Before going back home These days I am most definitely a morning person Up until I began to recover I was a real night owlI loved the night Loved that all the fun happened then That all the mischief and naughtiness happened thenDuring my addiction There was a long period of time When I slept all day And got up in the evening And went to bed in the morning I didn't see day light for months But now Things have changed markedly I love to rise early Walk the dogs Go shopping And other bits and bobs that I need to do Some days I have everything done by 11amI hate sleeping in And I get really annoyed with myself if I do This has to do with the fact that I have a fear of not being able to sleep at night So I get up early to tire myself out So I will definitely sleep that night My fear of not sleeping stems back to my addiction During my using I had some desperate nights where I couldn't sleepAnd was sick and in withdrawal if I had no drugs Those nights were endless So lonely So painful I am loathe if that will ever happen againAnd everything seems worse at night There were some nights that I thought would never end And I would cry with relief when morning broke Now I do everything in my power to make sure that I do sleep at night I guess it's kind of a phobia of sorts Thankfully I have put those days behind me nowAnd i am eternally grateful for that 
With all that said I was wondering about you Are you a night person?Or a morning person?Why do you think you are this way?What do you do to ensure you get a good nights sleep?Are you like me and fear not being able to sleep? Inquiring minds want to know.....