Monday

It's Monday morningAnd I was on a missionAs you knowLast week I really over did my medsAnd had to go in to my doctor on Thursday to ask for a top upEver since then I have had it in my head that I need to be on more methadoneBecause I am cravingBecause I am thinking about drugsTalking about drugsEven dreaming about drugsEvery now and thenI hear tid bits of news from my old townI hear of people I used to knowIn the news for crimes they've committedNo doubt in pursuit of the drugMy old town is now awash with drugsNamely heroinAnd it's fast becoming a very dangerous placeYou would think that I would be glad to be out of thereAnd I amBut there is still a little piece of me that hankers after that lifeGod knows whyIt very nearly killed me
So I marched in to my doctor this morningWith one thing on my mindTo get my methadone increasedI wasn't too hopeful that he would grant my wishBut I was willing to give it a tryI drove in with my Mum this morningShe mentioned that I seemed very determined I told her her whyShe said 'Will you please stop tormenting that poor man, he is so good to you'I agreeHe isBut it won't hurt any one just to ask
I checked in at receptionAnd took a seat in the waiting roomI was just about to read an article about runningWhen I was called inFirst things firstHe asked me how my weekend away wasI told him it was fineAnd then launched in to my speech'I'm a bit concerned about myself' I started'I've been thinking a lot about drugs and have been very close to jumping in my car and to go and score'He stopped tapping at his computer and looked at me seriously'I think my methadone needs to be increased' I continued''Well I don't know about that' he said'Is there anything else going on?'He knows me too wellI told him that I've lost more than a few pounds recentlyAnd I have no counselor since Mary's job had goneHe suggested that maybe NA is an optionAnd also seeing an addiction counsellorHe explained that it would be giving in to the addiction to increase my doseAnd also it wouldn't deal with the problemHe made a good caseI could have argued with himBut I didn'tI knew there was no point
I left the surgery disappointed but not surprisedI was talking with my Mum afterAnd was joking saying why does my doctor have to do the right thing all the timeWhy can't he be a bit corrupt and give me what I wantWhy does he have to be so God damn up standingMy Mother said that I am lucky to have a doctor that treats me with dignity and respectI know I amIt's just my addiction talking
It's very difficult to explain to someone who hasn't experienced addictionWhat exactly it is likeAnd what it is like to crave a drug with every ounce of your beingTo be so preoccupied with itAnd literally feel your body craving itThis is the way I would explain it
Imagine you have an itchIt's the itchiest itch you have ever hadIt consumes youYou can think of nothing elseIt occupies every waking moment and thoughtIt's there constantlyNow imagine that instead of finger nailsYou have razor blades on the end of your fingersYou can't resist the itch any longerYou just have to scratch it before you go madYou scratch with the razor bladesAt first the relief is enormousIt feels amazingEspecially that first scratchWhen the persistence of the itch goes awayBut as you continue to scratchThe razor blades tear in to your skinThey shred it to ribbonsBlood pours from your bodyYou are killing yourselfBut you can't  stopYou can't stop scratchingEveryone around you sees that you are killing yourselfThey try to get you to stopBut you can'tYou just can't
I know that I need to so something about my own itchOr I will end up scratching itIt's too much to handle on my ownI need help and supportBefore this ends in disaster
As regards food and weightI am still strugglingMy weight continues to head southI am not underweight yetBut I will be if I continueI can't lieI scare myself sometimesHow hell bent I can be on self destructionWhen I took all my methadone last weekI actually really enjoyed the feelingIt has triggered me massivelyBut I still hope to get back on trackI have toI just have to