Monday

Doctor day today
The first thing he said to me when I sat down was
'I printed this off for you'
And handed me a piece of paper
He explained that it was a humorous piece written by a doctor about consultancy
I was really surprised and touched that he had thought of me
I thanked him
And folded the piece of paper and put it in my pocket
He asked me how I am doing
I admitted that it had been a tough week
I've been thinking about drugs a lot
How nice it would be to experience total oblivion for a while
What a relief it would be to escape
Just for a few hours
I am even dreaming about using
At first I didn't know why I was craving so much
But then I realized that it might be something to do with my choice of tv shows
Breaking Bad
Love/Hate (An Irish show about gangland culture)
And most recently
Orange is the new black
My doctor said it was no wonder why I was craving
Sometimes the thought that I can never use or drink again really depresses me
I still sometimes fantasize that I can drink or use recreationally
But in reality I know that is impossible
I know that my life was utter chaos when I was using
And there are no half measures with me
It's all or nothing
My doctor told me that I should start watching Enid Blyton shows
It's funny
My doctor and I don't really talk about medical issues any more
And my session with him is getting longer and longer
I guess we have a lot on common
Reading
We watch the same tv shows
And we both swim
So there is always lots to talk about
He knows me very well by this stage
I've seen him every week for the last 10 years
But sometimes it can be a bit uncomfortable
As the lines between patient and doctor have been blurred
So I'm not quite sure where the boundary is any more
Don't get my wrong
I think very highly of my doctor
He has been an amazing help to me
I just prefer it when there are clear boundaries
You know?
I was in with my doctor for about half an hour
Then I headed to the chemist to pick up my script
When I had taken my meds
I went for a swim
The first swim I've had in a week
Because I had my period
It was a very enjoyable swim
I did 160 lengths
And felt great after it
After my swim
I went to meet my OT(Occupational therapist)
It's been a while since I've seen her
So we met for an early lunch in one of the cafes
She gave me a big hug when she saw me
She is so sweer
We settled at a table
I ordered tea and brown toast
She ordered hot chocolate and white toast
We had a great chat
And it was great to be able to give her good news for a change
We chatted non stop for a full hour
It was so lovely to catch up
She told me that she will be seeing Mary
And will tell her how I am doing
I have to admit though
The last few days have been tough
I am struggling to accept my new body
And my eating has suffered because of it
As you know
I tend to swing between anorexia and bulimia
It can change it a matter of days
If bulimia is loud and brash and in your face
Then anorexia is cold and silent and aloof
She has been around a lot more than bulimia recently
I've been avoiding eating
And feeling very guilty when I do eat
It's hard for me to find a balance
Somewhere in between too much and not enough
I was worried though
Because I was starting to enjoy the feeling of having no food in my stomach
The natural high I get from lack of nourishment
I can't help thinking that I am over weight
I am convinced of it
There is too much of me
And it is very uncomfortable
I just want to feel ok in my skin
I want to accept and like my body
And I don't know if I can at this weight
I keep thinking
If I just lost X pounds
Then I would be happy
Then I could feel content with my size and shape
But of course I know that thinking like that is a slippery slope
And no good can come of it
So what do I do?
Well I need to try and get back on track
And out of this restricting mode that I am in
I need to remember how bad things were when I was unwell
How desperate I felt
How anxious and depressed I was
I need to keep living my life despite my urge to disappear
I need to swim
And walk my dogs
And write
And read
I need to feed myself with nutritious food
I need to believe that I am on the road to recovery
That I am doing the right thing for me and my family
I need to know that I am perfect the way I am
That everything is exactly as it should be
I need to learn to like myself
Love myself
And accept myself
Flaws and all
This is not easy
But either is living with an ED
I'm living my life
As best as I can
I am ok
Or at least I will be........