Community Magazine


By Rubytuesday
I made plans with a friend to go to a meeting tomorrowIt's a lunch time meetingAnd I know it's usually small and intimateI can't lie I am really nervous to go But I really want toI think it's an important step in my recoveryRecognising that I need help and support with my various addictions is imperativeI feel like I could relapse at any timeAnd even though my meds are more tightly regulated I still find the opportunity to misuse themI am trying to stay clean and sober with very little helpAnd it is damn near impossible I feel like I am 'white knuckling' itHanging on by my fingertipsI need the support of other recovering addictsI know that now
And as well as some much needed supportI will also benefit from the social aspect of going to meetingsI feel I am in a place where I am receptive to meeting new people and want to make new friendsIt's so easy for me to isolateTo hide out here in my houseI need to get out in to the worldAnd find myself and my place in this thing we call lifeIt's now exactly one year since I left treatmentAnd boy it has been a roller coaster of a yearI am just happy to be in a better placeTo be living life more than I have in yearsI'm grateful to be surrounded by amazing people who have carried me this far My family has been my foundationMy bed rockThey have held through all of thisMy Mum My Dad My sisterMy brother and his partnerHoney and leaYouHave all had an important and integral part in my recovery Like a jigsaw puzzleThey have all made up part of my life and recoveryIt hasn't been easyAs I have said beforeI have had to work so hard to get to the point where most people start ofTo say it's been a struggle is an understatement
The last 15 years have taken their tollI have squeezed more in to that 15 years than most have in a life timeI know I am lucky to be aliveAnd to have made it this far relatively unscathedI don't have much to show for my lifeNo assets No moneyNo houseNo partner or childrenSome day I hope to have these thingsI hope to have my own independent lifeBut for nowI have everything that I needA roof over my headClothes on my backFood in my fridge Two dogs at my feetAnd my family and friends by my sideWhat more could a girl want?
I am a big believer in baby stepsAs baby steps all add up to be huge stridesEveryday I don't useAnd every day I don't starve or purgeIs a good dayIt's a day that I RubyTake on my demonsAnd fight to survive
Don't get me wrongEverything is not perfectI still struggle to a person in this worldI struggle just beAnd live in realityI get boredAnd frustrated And angry And sadSometimes I can't stand being in my own headOr even my own skin I struggle to accept myself for who I amI struggle not to actively hate myselfTo believe in myselfTo have faith that I can live life beyond my ED and addiction I struggle to have a healthy relationship with foodEveryday is a battle not yo starveAnd not to purgeI struggle to make peace with my situationTo live life on life's termsI struggle to want to live a lot of the timeAnd to ward off feelings of wanting to disappearBut despite all these battlesI am hereI am aliveAnd I am fighting for a better lifeMy tendency is to be negativeFor my mind to go to dark and twisty placesMy natural state of mind is to be maudlinTo feel lowI have to make an effort to be positiveAnd upbeat
But I have many blessings in my lifeToday my life is the best it's been in a long time I no longer live under the shadow of depression and anxietyI no longer feel like a burden to my familyI am in the road to recoveryI  am living proof that people like me can and do survive
So hopefully I will get to this meeting tomorrowAnd take the first step in to helping myself stay clean and soberFor those of you who don't knowThe meetings I am talking about are Alcoholics AnonymousAnd Natcotics Anonymous The are support groups for people with alcohol and drug problemsThey work off of a 12 step programme And from my own experienceThey really do work
So todayIf you are feeling lowAnd hopeless  Tired and brokenPlease remember that there is always hopeHope for a better lifeFor a better futureI promise you it is possible to get wellTo face your demonsAnd come out strongerPlease know that you are more capable than you ever knewYou have the ability And the courageTo make a better life for yourselfSo pleaseDon't give upDon't ever give upYou are too preciousTo importantTo be lost to this cruel illnessI know it's exhausting having to fight all the timeMentally and physically drainingI know But please don't give upWe can and will get betterIt is possibleI promise you that

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