Meds

I'm all off schedule this morningI arrived in to the doctors this morningTo find that I had both my doctors appointment and Breda at the same time 9 30amI checked in And went and sat outside my doctors officeThen Breda came and I had to explain to her that I couldn't see herSo now I won't get to see her until November 2ndI can't lie Part of me is glad I won't see her until thenShe asked me how things are going I said good more or lessShe asked what that meant I replied that there are things I could work onWhich there always are We left it at that And I went to see my doctorHe was pretty full this morning So I had a bit of a waitEventually I was called in My doctor talked about his printer for about five minutes Which I thought was amusing Then he got down to the nitty grittyTwo weeks ago He said he would reduce the methadone today He brought up the subject again this morning I played dumbAnd said I couldn't remember him saying that He smiled And said 'We'll go down two mls'I didn't have the energy to argueSo down I went Just then My doctor got a phone callHe answeredAnd asked me to step outside for a minute Which I did While I was out there A lady with the most beautiful baby girl sat down beside me I could take my eyes off the babyHe name was CassidyShe just looked so snug and content And I wished I could swap places with her So all I would have to worry about is eating and sleeping 
Anyway After a couple of minutes My doctor called me back in He told me that it was one of the prisons on the phone Trying to get a psychiatrist to see one of the prisoners He mentioned the name of the prisonCastlereaStraight away I had a flash backOf me going in to the visiting room of the prisonWith a mouth full of drugs Passing it to my boyfriend in a kissThen Going to the prison with my boyfriends uncleWho was in a wheel chair Smoking weed in the car on the way there Then me getting so nervous that I let go of the wheel chair And the man fell out on to the ground Talk about drawing attention to yourself Needless to say I didn't mention any of this to my doctor I think he thinks I wasn't that bad on drugsLittle does he know....
Back to BredaThe reason I'm not thrilled about going to see her Is because of my meds In that I am still not taking them properly I misuse then 4 - 5 days out of 7And now they my mother is around moreShe is seeing how bad the situation really is BeforeWhen she was working She was gone four days But now she is here all the timeShe is starting to notice that all is not rosy in the recovery gardenSo this is why I don't want to speak to Breda Because I won't be able to lie to herAnd if I tell herThere is every possibility she will tell my doctor And I'm afraid my meds will be stoppedI know I've told my doctor before And what he usually does is have me go in to the pharmacy every dayBut they never lasts And I go back to my old ways 
The thing is I'm not sure if I want to sort out the meds situation I mean I have it cushy right nowI get to have my escape With little consequenceIsn't that every addicts dream?But at the same time I do want to live my life I want to work at the dog shelter I want to be free of my addictions But it's just so damn hard to live in reality Why? I don't know I just get so anxiousSo bored So nervous So sad Sometimes I just can't stand being in my own head The negative thoughts going around my head in a never ending loopSometimes I just want out 
I was watching the last series of Teen Mom 2 yesterday Have you seen it?I was watching it because of one of the girls has a prescription pill addictionLeah is her name She has three kids All under 6One with a disability And she is on her second divorce She is 23 years oldAnyone with eyes in their headCan see that Leah is crumbling under the weight of her issuesBut she is in complete denialAn addict can always spot an addictI can see it in her eyes The pinned pupils The dark rings under her eyes The unkempt appearance The nodding offAnd talking nonsense Leah was prescribed various painkillers and anti anxiety meds by her doctor And has obviously become addicted Shame on get doctor He should be struck off 
I watched the show hoping and praying the Leah would get helpIt broke my heart to see her suffering so much She was a woman on the edge And I could tell if something didn't happen soon She might not make itTowards the end of the show Leah had contacted a treatment centre And when the show finished She was planning to goDuring the ads of the show It showed Lea as she is now And she looks great She's put some weight on her tiny frame The spark is back in her eyesAnd her voice sounded animated I hope that Leah stays wellFor her sakeAnd for those three children
As shocking as it was watching Leah's story It is all too commonEspecially is the U.S. Where doctors seem to hand out strong prescription meds like smartiesThose doctors have a responsibility to their patients They took an oath to first do no harmIt makes my blood boil that Leah's doctor continued to prescribe her these meds Given the state she was inBut I have to admit I can relate to Leah The feeling of wanting to escape The feeling of not being able to cope with life Taking pills to check off the planet In a lot of ways I am just like LeahBut she is dealing with some pretty heavy stuff I guess I am too In my own way But my life is a lot more comfortable than hers That is for sure 
I don't know guys I guess I am trying g to have my cake and eat it tooBut do I really want to spend my life drifting in and out of consciousness ?Do I really want to throw my life away?Do ideally want to miss out on the best years of my life?The answer is That I don't knowI do know that I look forward to days that is abuse my meds And the days that I don't Are endless and tedious I know that that's life Life can be boring MonotonousRepetitive I know I need to fill my days with things I love to do And find an occupation I am starting in the dog shelter in Wednesday And I am really hoping that it fills a void And I find my niche I got Lea and Honey microchipped last week My babies are now legit!As microchipping is mandatory from next year on I love animals And feel a real affinity with them So I am going to throw myself in to the work And hope I can help myself and the dogs 
I know that I've brought up the topic of my meds before I feel I need to be honest about them And let you know that everything is my life is not on trackI know that's the nature of addictionBut I don't like to lie to people And I think when I see Breda in two weeks I am going to have to tell her what is happening Because how can the precessional sheep me if they don't know what is going on?I don't know guys Watched this space I guess....
With all that said I was wondering about you I know a lot of you ladies are on prescription meds And I'm wondering how that works for youDo you take your meds as prescribed?Do you overtake them ever?Or stockpile them for a rainy day?When do you think it becomes a problem?If you see me what would you do?Answers on a postcard please...