Me V ED

I've made a decision
I'm going to try
I'm going to fight
I have to
This has gone on for far too long
I've lost too much
I can't afford to lose anymore
I've lost 12 years to this illness
12
Years
Starting tomorrow I'm waging a war against my eating disorder
I'm going to kick her ass in to next week
I know she will fight back but I know her too well
I know her tricks
I know how she manipulates me
I can fight dirty too
I'm going to try and eat breakfast, lunch and dinner
I'm going to choose my foods carefully
Avoid binge food
Distract after eating
The temptation to lose weight is still very much there
But I've been there
Done that
Bought the extra small t-shirt
I want to want to get well
I want to break out of this prison
I want to be able to eat without feeling guilty
I want to eat and not have the overwhelming urge to purge
I want to eat and not want to kill myself
I want friends
I want to go to the cinema and eat buttery popcorn
I want to laugh until my sides hurt
I want to cry salty tears
I want to be able to feel emotion without wanting to escape
I want to be able to cope
I want to feel good about myself
I want to look in the mirror and not want to smash it
I want like and accept myself
I want to grow up
I want to be independent
I want peace of mind
For me and my family
I want to stand up and not feel like the floor is pulling me down face first
I want to learn
I want to love
I want to dance and not care whose watching
I want to write
I want to wake up in the morning and not dread the day ahead
I want to help others in the same position as me
I want my parents to be proud of me
I want to take my meds properly
I want to have a purpose
I want to have fun
I don't want to be afraid all the time
I don't want to measure my self worth by the numbers on the scale
I don't want to live in this limbo
I don't want to live in a constant state of anxiety
I don't want to be bitter and resentful
I don't want to have regrets
I don't want to live this half life
I don't want to give up
I don't want to want to die
I don't want to care what others think about me
I want to learn how to cope
I want to realize that everything can't be solved by taking pills
I want to feel that I'll be ok
I want to be a better person
I want to stop shoplifting
I want to make my own decisions
I want to to wake up in the morning and think 'I don't want to die today'
I feel a sliver of hope
Mary says that she knows I can do it
That I can get well
And for the first time in a long time, I think that too
Maybe I can do this
Maybe my ED has been lying to me
Maybe I can put the jigsaw that is my life back together
Maybe all is not lost
I don't doubt that this thing will kill me if I don't take action
I'm afraid to recover but I'm more afraid to stay this way
All I can do is try
Do my best
I think I want to live
I think I really do.....