Politics Magazine

Male Dolphins Are Evil, Part 1

Posted on the 22 March 2017 by Calvinthedog

Repeatedly, for those that don’t know, dolphin and porpoise pods will rape the females in the pod. That’s how they reproduce. In large pods, for instance when multiple pods converge to chase a school of fish, (some of these superpods number in the thousands) a female in heat will find herself raped hundreds of times, often times till she dies, at which point the males drag her along and continue for days after her death.

Ok, so day we learn that male dolphins are mostly complete bastards, except for a few who are total motherfuckers.

Nice try Dolphin guys. You brainwashed all of us with your Flipper propaganda that you all were as harmless and delightful as babies. Whereas in fact, the typical male dolphin has the personality of Ted Bundy. Well, your scam worked for a while, but now we are onto you turds. You better watch out. We got your number.

I had no idea that guy dolphins were so rapey. Jesus, they’re even rapier than Indian men, and that’s pretty bad.

I would like to say something to all you dolphinbros out there.

You know what, you finny dudes? You’re all a bunch of assholes, you know that, right? That’s all I have to say to you oxygen-thieves.

Meanwhile, pro tip for all you lady dolphins. Don’t get horny. Don’t even think about it. Your life may lie in the balance!


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