So far, I’ve only been on one date since the breakup. This makes a grand total of four first dates in my life time. Wow.
I met Mark at a brewery on St. Patty’s Day. I wasn’t really looking for a guy at this point, but I wasn’t not looking. Anyway, this brewery is not really a place to meet people, but it was a good place to go watch the game and drink green beer with my girlfriends.
I noticed that a guy kept smiling at me from the next table, so I started smiling back (I just learned last week that this is referred to as “eye fucking.” I’ve been told I need to practice). He finally started talking to me, and I gave him my number at the end of the night. He called me in the parking lot before I had even gotten into the car. Is that cute, or creepy? I need help deciphering these things.
We had boring text conversations for about a week. I’m not kidding, his texts were awful. He always sent good morning texts, but they consistently looked like this: “goodmorning.” He would also send text messages that said, “Hi……” I mean, how many dots do you need? Three make an ellipsis, but six? Six make you an idiot…or a twelve-year-old.
I teach language arts. Poor grammar is a major turn off. Looking back, his texts should have been a deal breaker; but I was horny and feeling guilty about sleeping with Max so my standards were lower than they should have been.
The “Date”
I agreed to have dinner with him on Friday, and we made plans to meet at one of the fanciest, most expensive restaurants in town. I decided that I misjudged the guy. I mean, not everyone teaches language arts.
I was driving home from work on Friday when I got a text from Mark explaining that he had a meeting in the next town over so he may not be able to make our date, but he would let me know closer to seven. Seriously? We were supposed to meet at the freaking Chop House. I was going to shower, do my hair, do my nails, and shave my legs for goodness sake. I didn’t want to go through all that trouble for a maybe. I told him that we would just reschedule, but secretly I wasn’t planning on talking to this guy again in my life.
In the Breakup War, I’m Winning
The following day I had plans to see The Hunger Games with a friend. In the middle of the movie, I got a phone call from a number I didn’t recognize. It turns out with was The Ex’s brother calling to say he was in my area and he wanted to pick up the TV. Needless to say, I was slightly pissed. I had broken up with The Ex six weeks earlier, and if he wanted to take the TV he should have done so when he moved out.
I decided to let The Brother take the TV without a fight, but I did go out and buy a newer, better TV before relinquishing the old one. I also made The Brother carry my new TV into my apartment for me before he carried the old TV out. It felt great.
I think I agreed to meet Mark for drinks that night because I wanted to prove that I was winning the post-breakup up competition. I was also very nervous to start dating, and since I didn’t really care if things worked out with Mark one way or the other he would be a good gateway date.
Hi, I’m An Alcoholic
I was supposed to meet Mark at the bar at 8:30, but I was about fifteen minutes late (it was totally worth it, but that’ll have to be a different post). As I leaned in to hug him, I could smell the alcohol on his breath. He flagged down the server and ordered another cherry vodka and Red Bull, but the glass was about ¾ full of vodka with only a splash of Red Bull. He had about four of these over the course of our date, and he admitted to drinking before coming to the bar too. Normally, that wouldn’t bother me, but he had to have his brother drop him off at the bar. Needless to say, the date was awful.
Mark invited me to drive him back to his house to play pool, so I sent a 911 text to my friend, and she called me with a crisis. I was very grateful to crawl into my bed when I got home. Poor, clueless Mark called me twice and sent me about five more texts over the next two weeks before he finally got the hint.
I don’t know about this dating thing right now…casual sex sounds much more fun.
