Community Magazine


By Rubytuesday
I don't know what to say anymore
I don't know where I am going
I don't know where this blog is going
I started this blog about 10 months ago
I weighed a little less than I do now and I was focused on losing more weight
It was something verging on pro ana I think
Over time it grew in to something different
I started seeing Mary
I gained some weight and maybe started to see things more clearly
I've recently culled my blog roll
I've unfollowed anything that resembles pro ana
I read more recovery blogs now
Reading about weight loss just doesn't interest me the way it used to
I hope that's a good thing
My own weight loss doesn't even interest me that much
I'm just reading water at the moment
Keeping my head above water
Just about
My Dad commented on my weight loss today
Usually I get a great kick out of comments like that but today it didn't even register
I apologise
I don't know what I'm doing
I'm not even making sense anymore
I'm lost
So very lost
Do you ever feel like you are drowning?
That your lungs are so full of water that you can't breathe
Do you ever feel like screaming?
But you open your mouth and nothing comes out
Do you ever feel suffocated?
Like you can't get enough air
Do you ever feel like you feel too much?
That you're hyper sensitive
Do you ever feel like you are unlovable
That you don't even like yourself
Do you ever feel like saying 'What is the point?'
Just lying down and never getting up
Do you ever feel like you are a burden?
Sucking the life out of people
Do you ever feel like hurting yourself?
Like stepping out in front of the next speeding car
Do you ever feel like you're about to snap?
Break right in two
Do you ever feel like you're breaking?
Falling apart
I do

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