Community Magazine

Looking After #1

By Rubytuesday
When I was in the midst of my addiction and EDI didn't care about myselfOr my healthI was too busy self destructingAnd generally trying to kill myselfMy health or well being just Nevet cane in to itI didn't care about my teethIt skinOr hair Or nailsDrugs occupied my every waking momentIt was always a race to keep the sickness at bayAnd I was always playing catch up
Even before my addiction and EDI didn't give my health a second thoughtI didn't like myself very muchSo I didn't look after myselfAs I didn't really see the pointI didn't think I was worth the trouble I didn't think I was worth the effort
During the worst of my EDI denied myself basic human rightsFood and waterI starvedAnd bingedAnd purgedI did everything I could to hurt myselfI was so disconnected from my bodyAnd what it neededI didn't know how to care for myselfIt felt so foreignSo wrong Hurting myself became normal
It's only really in the last year that I have started looking after myselfLast FebruaryI was just out of treatmentHaving been discharged after failing to gain weightMy weight was lowMy mood was lowerI feared for my sanity and for my futureTo cut a long story shortI did what I call a half hearted over doseAnd took a weeks meds one eveningThankfully all it did was put me in to a deep sleepAnd I woke up the next day
I didn't tell anyone about the overdoseBut then when I saw Mary the next weekI found myself telling herShe jumped in to action immediatelyAnd gave me a choiceI could either present at the local psychiatric hospitalOr wait and see my doctor the next dayI chose the latterAnd promised Mary I would be safe until then
I saw my doctor the next dayMary had filled him in about what had happened I don't remember much about that appointmentOther than he changed my medsAnd started me on Prozac All I could do then was hope and pray and wait for the drugs to work
Thankfully they did workAnd my mood began to liftAnd my anxiety lessenedIt wasn't really a conscious thingBut I began to gain weightAs I gained the weightI started to feel so much betterLife became easierI could tolerate being me for the first time in a long timeAlso my binging and purging became a lot more manageable I had been purging up to twenty times a dayIt was killing meIt was such a relief to finally be freeWell almost free from bulimia
As I began to recover But by bit I started to take care of myselfPersonal hygieneWhich really sufferers during my addictionI started to take pride in my appearance againDoing my hair and wearing nice clothesLife was getting better
Years of being on methadoneHad really taken its toll on my teethDo last August I began the process of improving themI found a brilliant dentistWho gave me seven new crownsWhich drastically improved my teethAnd just two weeks agoHe finished themAnd they now look a million times betterI had been so self conscious about themAnd they really affected my confidenceIt was a big decision to get them doneA big commitmentEspecially financially It was a long and painful processBut they are now doneAnd I couldn't be more pleased with them
My teeth were the first thing to tackleThen it was time to address my feetAs I explained on TuesdayOne of my big toe nails needed to come offAs it was beyond savingI've had a problem with this toe for yearsAnd kept putting it off yo do somethingBut I finally got it done this weekAnd it is such a relief to have it done
The next thing on my agendaIs to get my eyes testedMy eyes are really failing at a rapid rate And I think I need glassesI'm actually looking forward to getting themAs I think they can look really cool with the right pair
These are all things that I am doing for myself Looking after myself My bodyMy mind My spirit This is something of a revelation for me For such a long time it didn't matterI didn't matter
It's a good feeling to be kind to myselfBecause it's about time I began taking care of myself And putting myself and my mental and physical health firstBecause without themI have nothing

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