- I have had quite a lot of conflicting thoughts lately. I usually go into a contemplative mood as my birth month and date approaches. This year, it was markedly different. I am going to be 70. Not much different right? I have friends who are much older. For me, three score and a decade, I felt like Methuselah. I went into a depression that puzzled me. I just could not bring myself to look forward to the date. Each day became an agony of reflections. I went back to my library and frowned at my books. Published and unpublished. I wondered when I would be a household name. I speculated about Maya Angelou, Jane Austen, Zulu Sofola, Gerry Huntman, Keith Walters. Private and public stars in my literary world.
I wondered about friends and friendships. I became uncomfortable wondering about such awful thoughts. I recognized the desperation to have felt love and experienced what I might call love. A very awful and depressing time. Did I want to celebrate this awfulness? Why did each day present itself in such sad colours to me
I saw myself outside of Creation living amongst aliens. It was crazy. Kept waiting for me to wake up from the environment.
This morning I did. I woke up to me. Always questioning, my age, my loves, my pains, my conviction in a Creator, and yes my despair over humanity. The odd calmness had lifted. I did not dread the day. I sighed. I was back into humanity. I felt a huge relief as I sent up a prayer of thanks. I am back to normal. I am back learning the basis of Love, understanding the essence of God’s love. I am learning to see His Mercy. I stand grateful and expectant of Grace.
I will like to share my journey as I stand expectant in the departure hall of Creation.
