Politics Magazine

Legalize Theft

Posted on the 17 May 2015 by Calvinthedog

Well at least this kind.

I honestly think this sort of theft should be legal. You lose something in public, it’s gone. Finders keepers, losers weepers.

You leave your stuff out in the open for anyone to take, screw you. I might just steal it, and in all other circumstances, I am not a thief at all. In fact, I am profoundly unthieving for a male in Hyper-capitalist Ultra-individualist Reactionary Asshole Libertarian America.

On the other hand, I believe in punishing people for being idiots.

In Man World, if someone is a moron, he needs to be punished somehow. Most men feel that idiots, fools and dipshits deserve whatever meager punishments they receive. Anything more than that is pushing it and punishments should not be excessive.

But in Man World, there is little enough sympathy for the truly deserving, especially in Ultra-individualist America. There is a vast political movement called American Conservatism dedicated to the notion of no sympathy for anyone, dammit and whatever happened, it’s your own damn fault and you deserve what you get.

The stupid and especially the criminally stupid pretty much have it coming to them in Man World. We laugh at people like that. If a man is so insanely stupid and does something so ridiculously dangerous that he might stand a good chance of getting hurt or killed, we men do not care if they get hurt or die.

We laugh at their misforutne and we do not feel bad about it. We give them Darwin Awards and say they deserved to die.

We say, “I will not weep for him. He got what he asked for. He got what he deserved. Serves him right.”

Man World is a brutal, vicious, savage, coldblooded, merciless place. It’s a damn jungle. Most other men are probably out to screw you over in some way, and who can blame them. I mean they are just being men, right? It’s like getting mad at your cat for acting like a cat.

In Man World, you are expected to be smart at all times. There is no sympathy for dumbasses. In a jungle, the dumb animals get killed off real fast, and they asked for it anyway. Man World feels the same way.

Moral Dilemma: Found Wallet with $500:

Suppose you find a wallet with five $100 bills. Moral dilemma. What do you do? Most men would say pocket the cash, and keep the wallet and try to return it to the owner somehow. Mail it back to the owner, or put it in an envelope and drop it off at the guy’s house, turn it in to the police – there are all sorts of things you can do with it.

Cops suck, and in Man World, a lot of men hate cops. Even many good men hate cops. Why do they hate cops? They hate cops because cops suck. Real simple.

Turning it in to the cops is stupid. Cops suck, so they might think you stole the wallet. But if you stole the wallet, why would you turn it in to police? But cops don’t think like that because they suck.

The cops might grab you and try to get your name.

One thing you might want to do is call the police department and see what their policy is for turning in lost items.

One problem with going to the person’s house is if you ring the doorbell and give it back to the person minus the money, they might get into a nasty fight with you if they think you stole the money in the wallet. Maybe put it in an envelope and drop it on their doorstep, ring the doorbell and run to your car. Drop it off in the middle of the night. Leave a message on their door with your phone number asking them to call you to arrange returning the wallet. Tell them you are not really interested in meeting up with them, but you will arrange some sort of a drop-off in a public place.

Most sane people who lose a wallet are overflowing with gratitude just to get it back at all.

In Man World, if you lose your wallet:

1. You are an idiot and you deserve what bad things flow from that incident.

2.. Consider all of the money gone. Be overjoyed if there is $1 left. Consider the credit cards gone. Be overjoyed if even most of them are there. Bottom line, consider anything valuable gone. You have no right to expect to get one dime of your money back because you were stupid enough to lose your wallet.

Most decent men would try to return the wallet in some way. Many good men would take some or all of the money. No good man would ever steal even one of the credit cards. That is a bridge too far.

A very good man would not steal one dollar from the wallet and would return it to the party with all the money intact and would not accept any reward or would even turn down a reward. In Man World, this man would not be put down, but he would be considered a male Mother Theresa, and most men would say, “He’s a better man than I am…”

Some men would return the wallet with all of the money in it, hoping for a reward. In Man World, if you give a wallet full of money back to a man, he should give you a big reward. In fact, it is absolutely mandated that he at least offer you an award. If it had $500 in it, he should give you $100 minimum. A man who does not give you a reward is being an extreme jerk and idiot, and he is widely hated as a small, mean, vicious, petty, womanly man with no sense of honor.

Many good men might pocket $100 and turn the wallet back in on the off chance that the person you return it to is such an jerkoff that he won’t give you a reward. Then they might give it back in person with $400 on the off chance that the guy might give you some of the money as reward. Others would avoid this option as as the returnee might be so small-minded at the missing $100 that they would accuse you of taking it, and a scene might ensue.

Some good men might pocket the $500 and then return the wallet in person. In Man World, you can do this and still be a good man. The idea is that once you lose a wallet with money in public, just consider all the money in it to be gone. Be grateful if you get even one note back.

The guy who took the money is not a bad man. Yes, he is opportunistic, but many good men are opportunistic and try to take advantage, get one up or get away with things, simply because they are weak humans who are susceptible to the temptation of minor moral corruption. In Man World, many good men are always fighting off their perfectly natural, normal and understandable temptations and urges to be bad people.

A good man in Man World is simply a man who is able to resist many if not most of his temptations towards minor transgressions. In Man World, it is accepted that most good men will fail morally at times, hopefully in minor ways, simply because Man World has somewhat of an Original Sin type argument similar to Christianity that sees men as “born sinners” in a sense that we men only act decent because society forces us to, not because we want to.

If we succumb at times to petty moral crime, this is perfectly understandable, as in Man World, male humans are morally weak, fragile and subject to extreme nearly innate temptations to act bad simply due to our base animal nature. This view is quite similar once again to the classic Christian view of the Fall from Paradise and the notion that we are basically no good but only rescued for moral salvation by the miraculous intercession of religion and whatnot.

Not giving back the wallet if you knew the owner would be considered minor bad behavior. The idea is that a good man should somehow try to give the wallet back, because wallets are important for various reasons, especially credit cards, driver’s licenses, bank cards and whatnot.

Bad men would simply pocket everything valuable in the wallet and throw it out or toss it in a field somewhere. They would surely steal the credit cards. This man would get little or no respect from most men in Man World. Bad men are widely disliked in Man World, and we men give other men wide latitude and breaks in terms of  “acting bad.” The men we say act bad, act very, very bad. Our attitude is not put him in jail but instead, “Put him under the jail.”


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