July Update

Two months of work done now
About seven weeks to goOver the last couple of weeks I've been struggling quite a lot Even though I try my best at workI still feel like other people do it better than meThey seek to cope betterBe more confident More efficient And generally not capable than meMy bestie tells me if I hear nothing, then nothing is wrongWhich I guess is true But I am constantly looking for reassurance that I am doing okI'm nearly 36 years oldAnd I feel like a little girl that needs her Mommy to tell her that everything will be okI'm a bit of an odd ball And I'm sure people think I'm a bit strange Aa I find it hard to mix in groups I am fine one on one But in a group I have a social handicap That's me though It takes me a while to become comfortable with people Yet again I find myself wondering if people like me And wanting them to like meAnd probably trying too hard to be liked and accepted It shouldn't matter though I'm there to do a jobIt's not a popularity contest It really shouldn't matter what people think of meAt allI know I am trying my best at workAnd that's all that mattersI find myself in this situation a lotWhen I was doing my course I was convinced the others didn't like me But even after I left They still keep in contact So I was very wrong about that one!
Anyway In other news My car has been giving me huge problems I was driving in to the garage yesterday When a warning noise started And then smoke started coming outI stopper immediately and got out But my car was on a narrow road So I needed to get it off the road My Mam was there so at least I had a lift Four very kind men stopped and helped us pushed the car off the roadThe garage recovered my car in the afternoonAnd it wasn't good news The clutch in it is bangjaxedIt will cost €800 to fixI do not have that kind of money to hand So I need to make a decision about whether to get the work done Or to change my car for a better one It's stressfulAs I need a car For workTo see Coco I need it for my freedom and independence So I guess I will have to do something
I was listening to something on the radio this weekAbout the grown up children of alcoholic or addicted parents How they are more likely to be anxious and insecure How their foundation has been rocky and so they carry that in to their adult lifeIt was very interesting and I could relate to a lot of it Myself and my sisters all suffer with addiction and mental health issuesWe struggle with feeling not good enoughAnd generally find life toughI look at some of the girls I work with Who are younger than me But seem so much more together than meI struggle just to get to the starting blockSo it seems everyone is running way ahead of meOf course my life has not been straight forward And I have dealt with an awful lot I am happy just to be alive Anything else is a bonusI am grateful to be where I am And things could be a whole lot worse 
I'm still horse riding and loving itI go 2-3 times a weekAnd it's is just heaven Sitting in a horse Galloping down a beachDoing little jumps It makes all the tough days worthwhile On Saturday Myself and a friend did a beach trek A two hour trekI was riding a big fella called Bouncer Fionnuala was on TomKate was our leader on SkippyAnd there was a girl at the back riding Laura We walked down to the beach Then we spilt upFionnuala and Laura went to walk the sand dunes And myself and Kate went down to the main beach for a canter I swear to God Bouncer shot off like a rocket Abc was running full pelt down the length of the beachIt was both terrifying and thrilling in equal measure but I thoroughly enjoyed itAfter that We went back up to meet the others And walked back to the center through the fieldsMyself and Fionnuala dismounted our horses And were walking around like John Wayne The next day I was in pain But it was a good pain An almost enjoyable pain
So I think that is all my newsI am thinking of re enrolling in the horsemanship course I feel a bit more ready nowAnd ultimately this is what I want to be doing But first things first I'm just concentrating on getting through work And hopefully I will be back on the road soon
That's your July update sorted Thanks for reading And for being there..