January 2 2016

After my episode yesterday while walking my dogsI came home straight awayAnd promptly fell asleep on the couch for a few hours with a blanket over meAnd a hot water bottle tucked in to my pyjamas I felt a lot better after sleeping and eating something I know that feeling thoughThe feeling I am going to pass outWhen my body feels really heavy And me heart feels like it's fluttering in my chestI also know that it could well be due to an electrolyte imbalance As this has happened beforeAnd I was hospitalised immediately I will speak to my doctor on Monday He might do some bloods just to check everything is ok 
I know that this is probably happening because I lost a lot of weight quickly God help me I want to stop I truly doBut some thing in me keeps sayingJust one more pound Just one more I arrive at one goalOnly for the goal posts to be movedAnd then it's on to the next oneI meanIt makes no sense I know where this is headed I know how this story endsYet I continue to fall head first down the rabbit holeIt's irrational It's illogical I don't understand itI really don't 
Next week will be good thoughAs I am seeing Breda on MondayMy psychiatrist on TuesdayAnd I have a follow up appointment in the hospital on FridaySo lots of support next weekHeck knows I need it
It just goes to show Not looking after yourself does catch up with youI muddled along for yearsDrinking DruggingStarvingBingeing and purging I thought I was invincible Indestructible When you are young You don't consider your own mortalityIt feels like you are bullet proofAnd for a long time I did get away with itBut I'm getting older And it's harder to bounce backThe pancreatitis Two bouts of it Have really knocked the wind out of my sails And is living proof that my body is struggling to just be wellTo function normally There is only so much that it can take Even after this most recent hospital stayComing homeI was all pumped to change my ways Eat properly Not purge Get healthy That lasted about two daysAnd I was straight back to my old ways I'm finding it so hard to do the right thing To feed my body Nourish it And look after it It doesn't come easily to me I've been he'll bent on self destruction for so longThat it has become second nature to me It's what I know 
On the other hand I have shown that I can change if I want to I quit drugsAlcoholEven smoking So I know it's within my capabilitiy to change and adapt It seems that food is the final frontier The last thing My one remaining viceAnd it seems to me That food could be the trickiest of all At least with drugs and drink I could eliminate them completely from my lifeI don't have to deal with them on a daily basis With food I have to navigate through it multiple times a day And being an all or nothing person That is tough for meI either eat all the food Or none of the food And there is not a lot of leeway in between 
Anyway My aim at the moment Is to take it day by day Deal with the here and nowAnd not worry too much about yesterday or tomorrow I just feel like the fight has almost been knocked out of me And I am scrambling to find the courage and faith to go on My mental health is not good I'm paranoid My thoughts are negative and destructive I can't make sense of simple situations I'm hyper sensitive Reading too much in to things It feels like every nerve in my body is on high alert And is picking up every little detail in life It's draining It's exhausting I just want outI can now see that I can't be underweight and healthy Or even happy 3 months ago I was at a healthy BMI of 22-23I felt good Whether I looked good or not didn't really come in to itIf being a healthy weight was the price I had to pay for being well and happyThen I was will to pay itNow my BMI is 18Not even clinically anorectic I feel utterly all over the shop
I know I need some extra support right now And I will ring Mary again next weekI just need the help to snap out of this rut I am in I just need helpI know if I had that I could get back on track Back on form Because I'm not willing to go down the route of being severely underweight And worrying my whole family to death I'm not willing to throw my life away for the sake of a number on a scale I won't do itAnd I won't do it to my family I just need help A little bit of help That is all....