Community Magazine

It's Not Paranoia If They're Really out to Get You

By Rubytuesday
Over the last couple of monthsMy world has got a lot bigger and broader Rewind 18 months and I am just out of treatmentFeeling afraidHopelessAnd utterly distraughtNot knowing where to turnSo I chose the only option I had left DeathAnd tried to overdose on my medsThankfully I didn't dieAlthough at the time I was so angry to wake upMary intervened when I told her the following weekShe really jumped in to actionI saw my doctor and my psychiatrists My meds were changedOlanzapine (anti anxiety) was increasedAnd another anti depressant was introduced (Prozac)Then it was a waiting gameTo see if the change in meds would workTo see how long I could hold on before losing my shit and my mind again
I can't pinpoint exactly when it happened I know it was around April last year My mood began to liftIn a really noticeable wayMy anxiety lessenedAnd when I woke up in the morningI wasn't dreading the day aheadI can remember standing in the shower on dayAnd feeling biggerI stood on the scalesAnd I had begun to gain weightAt first it was soul destroying I couldn't stand myselfBut then I began to see the benefits of weight gainFeeling betterMore clear mindedHappierMore energeticGranted My weight increased to a point where I was comfortable To about 138 pounds It didn't suit meAnd I continued to gain weight after I gave up smokingAnd thenSuddenly Just as quickly as I gained the weight I began to lose it againAnd my weight is now stable at 117-120 poundsI can just about live with that
So much has happened in the last yearI got my teeth doneI gave  up smoking I had my toes doneI got glassesBut I still felt like something was missingI wasn't feeling great around Christmas timeAnd soon afterI relapsed on drugsThat lasted about five weeksI hurt many peopleIncluding myselfLost some people for good Almost lost my familyIt was an horrific timeThere was such a horrible atmosphere at homeI had to do something to get back on trackSo I went back to meetingsAnd began seeing an addiction counsellorAnd so my cocooned little world began to expandI had a lot of helpMy long suffering familyMy best friend MarieAnd all the professionals that I seeIt is a joint effortAnd everyone plays a crucial part
I am now meeting and seeing a lot of peopleAnd this causes me massive anxietyMy confidence has taken such a battering recently And my self esteem is on the floor I am still trying to like myselfNever mind love myselfAnd I always presume that people don't like meMy mother and sister tell me that I am paranoidBut I'm not convinced I get a notion in my headThat someone doesn't like meAnd then I look for evidence to support thisAnd disregard any evidence that they do like meI've been seeing this girl aroundShe is a friend of Marie'sI was convinced that this girl didn't like meAnd seeing her was becoming an ordealThen one day Marie told me that this girl was asking after meI was really surprisedAnd then she sent me a friend request on FacebookI was even more surprisedIt really meant a lot Like she was asking me to be her friendAnd letting me know that she likes meIt's the little things people
I guess it's because I don't like myself very muchThat I can't understand why anyone else would likeI really feel that bad about myself
Yesterday I got a text from another girl Inviting me to a meal out with the NA crowd To celebrate a members ten year clean timeAgain I was really surprised that I was invitedThat it even occurred to this girl to include me It's a sad situation that I feel this low about myself But I doI've spoken to Mary about thisAnd she assures me that if I keep doing what I'm doingThen my confidence and self esteem will improveI sincerely hope it doesBecause it's just horrible feeling this wayTo be so hyper sensitiveAnd to hate on myself so much
And the thing isI think it takes quite a lot for me not to like someoneI get on with most peopleAnd I love meeting new peopleAnd making new friendsBut my paranoia gets in the way of forming long lasting friendshipsI always feel like I say the wrong thingOr put my foot in itAnd then spend weeks beating myself up about itI bully myself in a lot of ways
Even here on bloggerI am always blown away by the kind an thoughtful comments that people write here every single dayThe friends that I have made here mean so much to meDo much more than you will ever knowI truly value and treasure each and everyone of youAnd to be welcomed in to this community with open arms has warned my heart over and over again
This is the reason that I used drugs And my EDBecause I couldn't stand myselfBecause I hated the person I wasBecause I felt useless and hopelessBecause I had zero confidence And not an iota of self belief So trying to navigate through life without these crutches is not an easy taskI know have to find new and healthy ways of coping By attending meetingsTalking to friends who are in recoveryBy being gentle with myselfAnd bring kind to myselfIt's all so newBut I am doing my best to keep my mind and body relatively well
I've had a couple of comments recentlyThat I look like I am losing weight againBut in fact my weight is more stable than its been in yearsI don't think I am losing weightI think it's just that my weight is settlingAnd it's only now becoming noticeable 
In spite of the way I am feelingI will plow onI'm not about to give upOn you or myselfI have way too much to lose nowI am hoping and prayingThat my perception of myself will improveIt sure as hell can't get any worseDo I will continue to fight To fight for a better lifeFor peace of mindFor a happy mind and bodyI'll do it for my family For Honey and LeaWho rely on me so muchAnd who I refuse to let down And for myself There is just no other option right now
I was wondering about youHave you ever suffered with a lack of confidence?How did you deal with it?What helped you find your confidence?Do you ever experience paranoia? What helped you overcome this?Do let me know if you have any tips or advice in this regard

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