Here is part of it
Because lately you do write about recovery, but I still.... wonder.... cause you never eat a normal meal. What does recovery mean then? Just a little weight gain?
And, the other side is that your body really needed the weight, you could've died. But .... all of this sometimes seems to gloss over the other sticky parts...
And the purging 's got to stop. For your beautiful new teeth, but far more for your health. You're still at risk, when purging so often. (and yes, I do have the experience to tell you this). And because you're so aware of your changing body, you should realize this... purging (and laxatives too) are the biggest causes for a body to not know where it's at...
A makes a very good point
I claim to be in recoveryBut am I really
I have admit
That A's comment is not the first time that I have been aware of this
I wonder if I am in recovery all the time
Or am I just fooling myself?
Do I claim to be in recovery just because I have gained weight?
Because the prospect of having an anorectic mind in a healthy body is too much to bear?
Am I still an active bulimic?
Because I do purge
Every day if I am honestI don't eat regular meals
Yes, things have vastly improved in the last few months
I was literally binging and purging all day every day
My weight was pitiful
And I thought that was just the way things were
I had no hope
No faith
No belief that things could improve
But they have
And now I am the best I have been in years
But is it enough?
Can I have more?
I had this conversation with Mary recently
I told her that I thought that this was as good as it gets for meShe told me that I could have more
That my recovery could be more fulfilling
But the truth is that I don't think that I will ever fully recover
The best I can hope for is a pro-longed remission
I've always described recovery from an eating disorder like taming a wild animal
You can train it
And manage it
You can live a relatively safe life with itBut there is always the possibility that it will bite youI know that I have a lot of work to doAnd I do appreciate A being honest with meTrue friends will always tell the truthNo matter how hard it is to hearI have only just begun my road to recoveryI know that it won't be easyI know that slips and relapses are part and parcel of itI will continue to fight for the life I so desperately wantI will continue to fight against this cruel illnessI won't let it beat meI won't let it take another year, month, day of my lifeI want to live the best life that I can
