If You Love Someone Who Might Have Asperger's Syndrome, Should You Tell Them?

Over the years, I've been asked this question many, many times. It is a really tricky question because you never quite know how someone is going to take the news. 

The problem occurs when a neurotypical person has a partner who displays many of the signs of Asperger's syndrome but doesn't know that they have it. In this case, the relationship can quickly become very strained. A person with Asperger's syndrome needs to know that their responses are different to a person without Asperger's syndrome.  They need to know that their emotional needs are quite different from those of their partner, more different for example, than simply the differences between men and women.
Unfortunately telling someone that they have a "mental condition" never goes down very well.

Should you tell them?

If you feel that your partner would be open-minded and willing to work on adjusting to your needs - and if you're willing to adjust to theirs, then it's worthwhile telling them. If on the other hand, you're fairly sure that your partner will simply reject the information, or that it will make them angry, then it's really not going to do any good to throw a diagnosis into the mix.

Telling your Partner

If you do decide to talk to your partner about Asperger's syndrome, consider a more tactical approach.  If you have a child with Asperger's and/or suspected Asperger's then it's easy to supply your partner with books on the subject under the guise of "divide and conquer".  If you say, "we'll each read a different book on the subject and talk about what we've learned, you'll probably find that your discussions naturally lead you down the path you expected.
If on the other hand, you don't have a child who can be discussed, things are a little different.
You could try reading out a short passage from a book or from the web and saying "does this sound like you".  If your partner doesn't realize that it's a diagnostic thing, they might be more open to talking about it. If all else fails, and if your partner is willing to give things a go, you can always try the RDOS Aspie test together.
The RDOS Quiz is here; http://www.rdos.net/eng/Aspie-quiz.php  You don't have to logon if you don't want to, you can go straight to the test.