If you blind yourself to your problems, are they still your problems? Nice little philosophical conundrum like, “If a tree falls in the woods and no one hears it, does it still make a sound?”
I think I am doing something like this. My dreams are pretty horrible, and when I am down and out, which doesn’t happen a lot but does happen sometimes, my dreams are positively suicidal and self-annihilating pure Hell. Then I wake up and turn the shield on and I feel (comparatively) great! And this is when I am down and out! I first realized what I was doing late last month when I went through a rather hideous depression of maybe 10 days or so.
Obviously subconsciously, I have some horrendous stuff going on – fears, terrors, and utter misery. Those dreams were as virtual of a death wish as I ever had. Then I woke up and all those terrors and horrors were gone because I put that damn shield right on. I figured out what I was doing, but it seemed like the right thing to do. Your problems are your problems, whether you blind yourself to them or not. And they don’t seem easily resolvable.
Some of my terrors that I am willing to share with you (sorry only a few, some are just too personal):
In my dreams nowadays, I am completely ugly and unwanted. I mean literally, nobody but nobody but nobody wants me. I am literally the ugliest, most attractive person on Earth. Now in meatspace, this is an issue, but I really don’t give a damn about it too much anymore as I am getting used to it. And I hardly think I am the ugliest guy on Earth. In fact, I harbor the completely delusional notion that I am still as hot as I was as a young man. Of course, it’s a total lie, but pretty lies feel good, so wear them loud and proud!
I should not talk about this, but impotence is a big theme in my dreams. Somehow, despite my ugliness, I keep hooking up with these hot young sluts (in my dreams, right?), and try as they do, they just can’t wake that sleeping beast much. He wakes up about halfway and then rolls over and goes back to sleep. Actually, things are not quite so dire in meatspace assuming anyone wants to fuck me anymore at all (dubious). Anyway, the answer to the question is no, I am not totally impotent. But I assure you that many men my age are just that. I am heading into the Dick Flatline Era, so I have that to look forward to. Golden years my ass!
In my dreams, almost everyone hates me and most people pretty much refuse to talk to me. They talk to me for a bit, then they start getting this look like, “Damn you’re weird dude,” and they uncomfortably end the conversation. In my dreams, a lot of the time I try to talk to people, they just ignore me. Or people who know me refuse to acknowledge my presence. It’s not exactly like that in meatspace, although it’s not totally the opposite either. I’ll let you chew on that intellectual mystery meat for a bit!
But my dreams are still sort of fun. Last night I went to Turkey!
