If Diet Company Slogans Were Honest

Twas the week before Christmas and all through the mail, the diet companies shill programs guaranteed to fail.

It's that time of year - diet companies try to convince us to join them before "the holidays", or to make them our New Year's Resolution and we are inundated with diet ads on social media, television, radio, and print. That means it's time for this DancesWithFat traditional post

Please know that I've done almost all of these diets - most of which were prescribed by doctors - and it's not my intention to criticize anyone who has done or will do them, just the people who sell them. Without further ado:

Weight Watchers er, um, WW or whatever

Pay $1270 to lose 5 pounds in two years.

Eat our special Weight Watchers ice cream, don't ask us how we got 4 grams of fiber into ice cream, you don't want to know.

Those deceptive trade practice lawsuits? Look, over there, it's a shiny celebrity spokesperson! (Results not typical)

Body Hatred - your gateway to the good life.

If you're happy and you know it, we'll fix that!

Alli:

Uncontrolled anal seepage isn't as bad as it sounds. Really.

Spend $800.00 to lose 4 pounds - most of which will apparently leak out of your ass.

Jenny Craig/NutriSystem etc.

You aren't capable of deciding when/if you're hungry. Just eat what we say when we say and don't ask any questions.

Belviq:

Hilarious if it wasn't horrifying!

We don't know how it works, it could kill you, every single person in the trial regained weight, and it is addictive. Sign up for our free trial!

Special K: Tomorrow, tomorrow, I'll wear Size Sassy, tomorrow, self-esteem is always a size away!

It's not a diet, it's a lifestyle change - you change to a lifestyle where you diet all the time.

MediFast:

Eat reconstituted soy protein five times a day, stop menstruating, and lose your hair - you'll feel so healthy!

The same powder can be made into a shake, a pancake, or soup. That's not weird at all. It's not a bug, it's a feature, we promise!

Slimfast:

Mmmmmm, laxatives!

Wait, our product is still legal? Dude, that's awesome!

At least you don't have to drink it from a metal can anymore - but if you like that metallic edge to your chocolate sludge the can is still available.

Stomach Amputation Surgery

You could die. Or end up with horrific lifelong side effects. We have no idea what will happen, this is a total crapshoot.

If you want more information about the basis for these slogans check out https://danceswithfat.wordpress.com/2013/12/06/some-diet-company-questions/

If you have ideas for slogans, please feel free to leave them in the comments - maybe the diet companies will take us up on some of these!

Was this post helpful? If you appreciate the work that I do, you can support my ability to do more of it with a one-time tip or by becoming a member. (Members get special deals on fat-positive stuff, a monthly e-mail keeping them up to date on the work their membership supports, and the ability to ask me questions that I answer in a members-only monthly Q&A Video!)

Need some fat-positive end-of-year cheer? Here's a playlist of re-vamped holiday songs that highlight things like the importance of fat-friendly seating, singing the praises of our amazing bodies, and just saying no to giving unsolicited weight-loss gifts. Enjoy!

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Book and Dance Class Sale! I'm on a journey to complete an IRON-distance triathlon, and I'm having a sale on all my books, DVDs, and digital downloads to help pay for it. You get books and dance classes, I get spandex clothes and bike parts. Everybody wins! If you want, you can check it out here! ( DancesWithFat Members get an even better deal, make sure to make your purchases from the Members Page!)

Book Me! I'd love to speak to your organization. You can get more information here or just e-mail me at ragen at danceswithfat dot org!

I'm (still!) training for an Iron-distance triathlon! You can follow my journey at www.IronFat.com .

If you are uncomfortable with my offering things for sale on this site, you are invited to check out this post.

Hi, I'm Ragen Chastain. Speaker, Writer, Dancer, Choreographer, Marathoner, Soon to be IRONMAN, Activist, Fat Person. View all posts by danceswithfat