I saw a hilarious post about what would happen if companies had realistic slogans (TW: explicit language) and I thought that I would borrow the idea. Please know that I’ve done almost all of these diets – most of which were prescribed by doctors – and it’s not my intention to criticize anyone who has done or will do them, just the people who sell them. Without further adieu:
Weight Watchers:
Pay $1270 to lose 5 pounds in two years – enjoy gaining it all back in the next three.
Eat our special Weight Watchers ice cream, don’t ask us how we got 4 grams of fiber into ice cream, you don’t want to know.
Those deceptive trade practice lawsuits? Look, over there, it’s a shiny celebrity spokesperson! results not typical
Alli:
Uncontrolled anal seepage isn’t as bad as it sounds. Really.
It’s not fecal incontinence, it’s “aversion therapy” and that’s always a great idea. Say thank you, fatty.
Spend $800.00 to lose 4 pounds – most of which will leak out of your ass.
Jenny Craig/NutriSystem:
Forget everything you’ve heard about farm-to-table, locally sourced, whole, slow foods. Get our highly processed food in a baggie and microwave that shit.
Are you hungry? What would you like to eat? Don’t worry your pretty little head about questions like this, just eat what we say when we say and don’t ask too many questions.
Hell yeah microwaved cheeseburgers!
MediFast:
Eat reconstituted soy protein five times a day, stop menstruating, and lose your hair – you’ll feel so healthy!
The same powder can be made into a shake, a pancake, or soup. That’s not a bug, it’s a feature, we promise!
Pay $40 to become a “health coach” and join our Pyramid Scheme, see if you just get three friends and then they each sign up three friends… we’ll all be thin gazillionaires!
Slimfast:
Mmmmmm, laxatives!
Wait, our product is still legal? Dude, that’s awesome.
At least you don’t have to drink it from a metal can anymore – but if you like that metallic edge to your chocolate sludge the can is still available.
If you want more information about the basis for these slogans check out http://danceswithfat.wordpress.com/2013/12/06/some-diet-company-questions/
If you have ideas for slogans, please feel free to leave them in the comments – maybe the diet companies will take us up on some of these!
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If my selling things on the blog makes you uncomfortable, you might want to check out this post. Thanks for reading! ~Ragen
