I decided to write a new series. What and awesome time to do so …during NaBloWri Mo Month!
I was in a Celebrate Recovery group and talking about feeling “helpless”. It was a process for me to discuss in group, because as soon as I spoke about why I tend to feel worried and procrastinate on some things, I realized that This vulnerable space I often feel between not worrying and trusting God causes me to feel way too vulnerable.
I haven’t always had it. I wonder sometimes how I found it. My self-worth was lost. It was hid underneath pride, and pretense for the longest time. It would even hide inside of my significant others’ insecurities. Then I suffered humiliation in the face of those relationships and decided that I was tired of not feeling as if I was enough. So, I began to take stock in the fact that I needed more, and began to study, read, and talk to those who seemed to have enough, I did this again, and again, and again. Then I prayed. Then, I expressed my self-disgust to my sisters and they listened and we encouraged each other, and then we leapt.
So, how do you do that?
How does one leap into another mindset? Another realm of possibility that helps them grow and figure out how to be? Be sufficient. Well, You HAVE to want more. I prayed for more, for several years. And then I got here. I got to this pace where I determined that I was tired of being with people in relationships who I had to make feel better. That they needed their own esteem and. I didn’t have to encourage them to have it. I decided that if they really wanted to be confident, they would work at it, and I would tell them, when I was working harder than then, to make them feel good about themselves. I decided honesty was the best policy. That’s all. But the truth bearer was looking in the mirror. And she had to start living for herself. And she studied what it mean to be self-actualized – and she read some more, and she talked to herself and wrote to herself, and noticed patterns, kept a journal, and believed in herself and prayed some more.
So yeah, I am enough. I am a delight to be with. I am fun. I have dignity, I wont settle for less than what I am should have, and I will be even stronger, but I have had less, and I failed so many times with less. And less felt like a LOAD. And it was heavy, and overbearing and sapped my strength. So I decided to have honor for myself and to decide within that honor rests with first how I TREAT MYSELF and what I ALLOW. The gates I open in my life, and the people I spend time with, and the things i read and the movies I watch, and the company I keep and not being negative and saying affirmations til I believe them.. that was honoring myself,. and I would show this behavior until I had a pattern. A very good one, established and it showed on the outside. I would also find other women and females who had the same type of esteem, and take note, ask questions and converse with them til I found answers. If they weren’t in my circles, I would distance myself from those relationships.
I decided I would be humble, because that was THE MOST beautiful way to be beautiful. And be happy. Because happiness involved setting standards and working towards goals and accomplishing them, and complementing myself. And I would no longer underestimate my abilities. I would be a LEADER. Because I have value.
“Life is too short to waste any amount of time on wondering what other people think about you. In the first place, if they had better things going on in their lives, they wouldn’t have the time to sit around and talk about you. What’s important to me is not others’ opinions of me, but what’s important to me is my opinion of myself.”
― C. JoyBell C.
