Politics Magazine

I Am Breathing a Sigh of Relief

Posted on the 26 June 2014 by Calvinthedog

Whew! Now I can breathe easy! I really dodged a bullet with that one. I’m on a really tight budget you know, and this month has been particularly bad, so I’ve had to, um, improvise when it comes to what I eat. And there’s one thing that’s always around no matter how broke you are.

But seriously though, I think you probably really could eat your own shit. You might puke because it’s such a disgusting thing to do, but I really don’t see how you could get ill. What you are consuming is something that came from your own body anyway. How the Hell do you catch a disease from yourself? I don’t see how it’s possible.

Along the lines of this question, I went and checked out the some links about this subject. I came up with lots of links for coprophagists (a sexual fetish) including one huge forum. There are actually a number of folks out there who actually like to eat shit. I will write more about this delicious subject later on!

Anyway, one thing that I learned from the dirty-minded coprophagists is that eating a lot of shit can cause a problem. A common risk was said to be that if you eat a lot of shit, it’s pretty hard on your liver. This would make sense as this stuff was supposed to be moving out of your body every time you drop a toxic waste dump in your toilet. Your body is trying to move this trash out of your system, and you keep putting it back in. Your liver processes toxins, and you are overloading the liver with mini Love Canals. Your liver’s not going to be happy with the increased workload and unpaid overtime. It might even go engage in work slowdowns or possibly even strikes.

These clean-living coprophagists guys don’t eat their own shit – instead they eat other people’s shit, especially from their spouses and lovers. So I do not know if the liver overload thing is a problem for only other’s people’s shit or if it’s a problem for your shit too. A good rule of thumb is to mind your own shit. Just deal with your own shit, and leave other people’s shit alone. Messing with other’s people’s shit can get you in a lot of trouble. Literally and figuratively.

Some websites say that eating your own shit may be harmful in that you are introducing bugs that are used to living in your intestines into your stomach. I really doubt if that is much of an issue. Your saliva kills lots of stuff anyway, and what it doesn’t kill, the stomach often makes short work of.

The main problem with bugs like this is if they get into your bloodstream, as they are not allowed to go there, and they cause all sorts of problems if they immigrate into your bloodstream like shitty wetbacks. However, your stomach is extremely strong such that just about anything edible you put in it can’t get past the border guards in the walls of your stomach. Those migras don’t even bother to deport, they shoot to kill!

Assuming your shit you just ate moves out of your stomach in some form, it now heads down into your intestines, which is like migrating back to your homeland. These bugs have been living down there all along with no issues and now they are coming home to meet the Poop family, Mom, Pop and the little shits.

On the web, a lot of people are saying that your shit has E. Coli in it, and if you eat it, the E. Coli superbug will kill you. Not so. Mr. E. Coli hangs out in your gut all the time and doesn’t cause a bit of trouble. In fact, that’s his regular hangout.

There are certain parts of your body that do not like Mr. E. Coli. If E. Coli gets into your male urethra, it can cause a UTI. Most of that is from other people’s E. Coli, but is probably even applies to your own. One of the ways this occurs is if you are the  insertive partner in anal sex (if you fuck someone in the ass), but this is not common. One way to avoid this is to urinate right after you fuck someone in the ass. It’s probably also a good idea to wash from above your waist down with warm water and soap.

If your own shit gets into your vagina, it can cause a UTI in the female. What happens here is that the shit upsets the normal flora of the vagina. A vagina is full of all sorts of girly microbes and they generally get along fine like a great big coffee klatch. It’s like a big pussy party with all the nice ladybugs kissing, hugging,  commiserating and crying on each other’s shoulders when they are not gossiping, sharing coffee or tea, complaining about male bugs, talking about sex or telling silly ironic jokes.

The girls are all getting along just fine aside for some minor cattiness when along comes Mr. Shit, double-holstered bad-ass from the Wild Ass West. He whips out his shitguns, starts shooting and ruins the whole hen party.

In addition, your shit cannot get outside of your body into any open wounds in your body. Your bloodstream is protected by the Clean Bloodstreams Act, lives to flow clean and free and doesn’t tolerate any shit very well. This can cause a serious issue of blood poisoning.

Also if there is a break in the wall of your intestine, your shit escapes from the intestinal jail where it is confined. The broken out inmates can cause a lot of damage to the society of your peritoneum while they rampage around causing major mayhem. Fecal peritonitis is typically a health emergency and it can be fatal.

Other than keeping the shit out of your peritoneum, bloodstream, and sex organs, I do not think your own shit is an issue. Truth is we are probably eating tiny bits of our own shit all the time. Now personally, I’ve been eating shit my whole life. In fact, it’s pretty much my life story, eh? Since we are consuming tiny bits of our own shit all the time, I doubt if ingesting tiny amounts of our own shit is a problem.

We are probably also eating tiny bits of other people’s shit. Recent studies have confirmed that money truly is the root of all evil, and the proof is that your average currency bill has shit all over it. It’s in very tiny amounts, but it’s there nonetheless. Doorknobs, public restrooms, water fountains – Hell, there’s shit everywhere. Most of the time this causes no problem probably due to the tiny amounts that are consumed.

Think about something else. If eating your own shit was a serious or fatal exercise, none of us would even be here because we all would have died when we were two years old!

It is interesting that people who live together for six months generally find that the nature of their intestinal flora equalizes. In other words, their gut gardens all start growing the same crops. Probably what has happened is that after six months of living together, two people eat enough of each other’s shit that their shit plantations start looking identical. Whatever your housemate has in their gut, after a period of time, it’s loitering in your own gut too and vice versa.

I realize this is a pretty shitty subject, but inquiring minds want to know the answers to these vital questions! I have been thinking about this subject a long time as my mind is in the gutter, but I always put off writing it as writer’s block made me mentally constipated. Finally I told myself, “Hey, shit or get off the pot!” And so here is your article!


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