How to Write a Sweet Cover Letter

SO

you found an ad for an awesome new job!

That is convenient and great because you are

• hating on your current job
• an unemployed theatre artist
• wondering how much your liver will go for on the black market
• madd hungry

Whatever the reason, you decide to read on further:

• Will you look at that, there are qualifications that you almost-kinda meet! That’s great!
• It’s almost close to exactly what you went to school for!
• Benefits and salary and junk! YES!
• You can buy comics food with the moneys!

Sign me up!

But how?

You read on and see
Please send in your contact information, references, salary requirements, resume and
Oh.

Oh  garbage.

They require a cover letter.  That’s inconvenient annoying COMPLETELY understandable!  Packing your entire resume and personality into three paragraphs is something that will be incredibly helpful for this company to judge you off of to get to know you and your qualifications from!

Never written one? No Fret!  This handy guide will help you write a KILLER COVER LETTER!

What you’ll need:

Google
A thesaurus
Vodka or some other form of hard liquor

Step 1 – You gonna Google the crap outta that company

You’ve vaguely heard of the Blah Blah Company when you were playing a drinking game and watching NY1 at 3AM, but you’re not completely sure what they do.  Well, TGFG!

Mr. Google not only wants to help, it’s his JOB to do so!  So don’t feel like you’re being a nuisance or a problem or gonna get yelled at, just plug that sucker’s name into the search engine and you’re golden!

The magical Google machine will give you lots of information about the company, including their personal website where you can find out things like people’s names.  THEN you can take those people’s names and plug them into your FACEBOOK MACHINE and see if you have any mutual friends that owe you a favor and can put a good word in for you.  And if that doesn’t work you are way advanced at this, then you can even figure out how to find some inappropriate picture to blackmail them with.  Like this one:

That is not me.

Step 2 – LIE!

Now that you’ve gathered together all of that useless information, it’s time to cram it all into your awesome letter!  Here’s where the thesaurus comes in.

Your main goal in this whooooole game process is to let the company know that you think they are the greatest thing since the Youtubes, and that you will amputate your knee if you miss the opportunity to work with them.  Unfortunately, you had never even heard of Blah Blahs before this moment, so your general vocab about them might be limited and you might have to tell a few white lies and use some fancy wording.

Never write sentences like that.

There are only so many times you can use the word awesome growth in a cover letter. Companies generally don’t like awesome words that are repeated.

Don’t be afraid of the thesaurus.  Mine is a lady and she, like the Google, is here to help.  She looks like this:

Dolores The-Saurus

She sure is a sweet lady.

She will tell you that you will not only be an asset to  the company, but a benefit, hard worker, diligent human being and not only help but aid, assist, lend a hand and facilitate their growth, moving forward, spreading their wings, flying, etc.

Please don’t use the above as an example. Dolores would kill me.

Step 3 – Celebrating

You have finished abusing the thesaurus.

You have signed it Sincerely comma and your name.

You look like this:

Here’s a drinking game for you to recover:

Every time you used a period in your cover letter, take a shot.
Every time you used a capital letter, take a shot.
And every time you used a word with a vowel, dance with a lampshade on your head.

You’re welcome.

Sincerely,

AG