Humor Magazine

How to Write a Broadway Hit

By Regectedriter @regectedriter

A lot of people come up to me and say,

Hey AG. You’re a playwright.

And I say,

That’s the rumor my MFA tells me, anyway!

How to Write a Broadway Hit

And they say,

Wow. You paid money for that?

SURE DID! A BUTTLOAD completely reasonable amount of money.  It was totally not COMPLETELY not worth it.

And then they ask my favorite question!:

So when are you gonna be on the Broadway?
When am I gonna get to see you on the Broadway with the lights and songs and music?
When are you gonna write a Big Broadway Musical ?

And I say I am SO GLAD YOU ASKED THAT QUESTION!  Being a playwright does automatically mean I write musicals! Thank you for assuming!

And then they ask why I’m talking so loud, wearing my graduation hat and crying into my diploma in a gutter on 42nd street.

I know how to write a Broadway musical. I do.  And if you ever wanted to write a successful Broadway musical but just didn’t know how to get started, well, thank your lucky Google, this is the guide for you!

Not convinced you want to write a successful musical?  WHAT! Let me bullet you some points:

  • Musicals make youmoneyr toes tap and your soul itch!
  • Watching the joy on people’s faces will make youmoneyr heart fill with joy
  • And I know this might come as a shock, but musicals are the only way you can turn a profit, or even stay open for more than three months at a time on Broadway. But don’t let that motivate you! Do it for the money joy.

What you’ll need:

A dartboard and some darts
Working knowledge of songs

Step 1 – Choosing a Topic

There is so much inspiration, all around us at all times.  The possibilities are INFINITE!

But you want to write a successful show so what you gotta do is get a dartboard and some darts and some movie posters.

Step 1a: Glue movie posters onto dartboard
Step1b: Throw dart
Step1c: You gonna turn that sucker into a big ol’ time Broadway musical!

How to Write a Broadway Hit

For anyone interested, Yes, Bonnie and Clyde the musical opens November 4 and Ghost the Musical is coming in Spring of 2012.

These are some movies I am excited to watch get butchered for the Broadway stage:

Jurassic Park
The Happening

Well, dibs on The Happening, you guys. I’ve already written like half of a song:

Do you know?
I don’t know!
What is happening now?
Do you know?
I don’t know
I think I’ll kill myself now
We don’t know
I guess I’ll kill myself now
Is it the trees?
NO it’s the breeze!
Or a combo of the two!
Oh I don’t know
What the hell is
Happening NOW
I’ll think I’ll jump off this rooooooof!

Step 2 – Write some songs

Now you’re going to have to figure out how to get some original songs for your musical.

Don’t just be lazy and grab an album off the shelf, like ABBA or Frankie Valley and the Four Seasons, those have already been done be original.  Search Youtube for songs you’ve NEVER heard of before that you can smash and twist into a plotline for your original, one of a kind successful Broadway show.

Here are some suggestions:
Billy Joel
The Who
Frank Sinatra

The Shirelles
Judy Garland
Bon Jovi
The BeeGees
Rod Steward
Bob Dylan
The Beatles
The Andrew Sisters
Artetha Franklin
Barbara Streisand

Well, I’m sure you’ll come up with something.

Step 3 – Add Some Dancing!

Ain’t a musical without fancy footwork!

I suggest this guy:

Step 4 – Don’t Forget the Necessary Expository Dialogue!

You know the type I’m talking about. It goes like this:

Clyde: Did you know this thing that happened in the movie?
Bonnie: No, but I know this other thing
King Kong: That’s good because now the audience knows both those things, catch phrase!
The Little Mermaid: This sentence displays a character flaw!
Mary Poppins: This setence is a retaliation that portrays conflict with said character flaw but also demonstrates that we are meant to be together
All: H a h a h a h a laughter
Mike Tyson: Plot point?
Guy from The Hangover: Plot point.
Glinda: Conflict?
: Resolution!
All: Aaaaaw h a h a h a h a laughter QUICK LET’S SING!

Good thing is, you just gotta slap a couple of those sentences together, ’cause it’s a musical and we gotta get to the mediocre music ASAP!

Step 5 – A Rip Roaring Foot Stomping Carpet Raising Closing Number

Basically you want your audience to say this:

Tourist 1 : What was that musical about?
Tourist 2 : I don’t even care, Imma jiiiive outta here

And then they jive outta there.

Well, students, you have now surpassed the Master.  I can call myself a Master because of the Degree. Let’s see that again:

How to Write a Broadway Hit
It’s just so pretty.

Anywho, I hope I get a thank you in the Tony Acceptance speech.  I’ll be at home, working my way through a 6 pack with a lampshade on my head.

I won’t be wearing pants.

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