Hope and Faith

I'm beginning to lose hope
Hope that I will ever get well
I just don't know how to help myself anymore
I had two appointments today and I cancelled them both
One with Mary and one with Sean my addiction counsellor
I just didn't see the point of going
Of sitting there and agreeing to take action when deep down I know I won't
Some behaviours are back that I thought had gone
One being night binging
As in getting up in the middle of the night to binge and purge
I had stopped doing this but this week it is back with a vengeance
Even in sleep I have no escape from this monster
Because I've been binging and purging so much, I've been spending a small fortune on food
And I resent spending money that will inevitable get flushed down the toilet
Literally money down the drain
I was standing in the queue of a supermarket the day before yesterday
All of a sudden I started to walk and carried on straight out the door without paying
My heart thumped in my chest as I walked
I scurried quickly to my car praying that I wouldn't be caught
I got away with it
Although part of me wishes that I hadn't
The other thing that is turning in to a problem is the enemas
I've gone from using them a couple of times a week to using them every day
Even though I know it's dangerous, I keep doing it
Even though I know it could give me a lazy bowel
Even though I could burst my bowel
I keep doing it
I go to different chemists to stock up
Classic addict behaviour
I feel like I am in self destruct mode
And I can't stop
I don't know how to stop
It's so scary
I feel so out of control
I don't know how this story is going to end
My weight continues to drop
I'm back in double digits
It's both terrifying and thrilling
Am I relapsing?
I'm slipping
I know that for sure
My mental state is fragile
I'm avoiding people
Avoiding reality
Hiding from life
I've never felt further away from getting well
Nothing matters anymore
I can't see the point of anything
I get through the day only to start all over again the next morning
And the next
And the next
I get through the week only to find myself at the start of a new one
I do the same thing every day
Almost to the minute
I'm a virtual recluse
I spend most of my time alone
I just don't know how to communicate with people anymore
I feel disconnected
From myself too
I called my blog And then she disappeared because eventually I was planning to disappear
I was sure of it
But now I feel that I can't
I can't do it to my family
I just can't
Even though part of me thinks that I am a burden to them and they'd be better of without me
It's just too cruel to do that to them
To leave a Ruby shaped hole in their lives
So I hang on for them
I live for them
I guess that's as good a reason as any to hold on
I just wish that I had a purpose
Something more than this illness
I need to feel like I am here for a reason
Otherwise what is the point?
I have to believe that this is happening for a reason
I have to believe that all this pain is not in vain
I have to continue to fight
Trusting that things will get better
To hope
As much as it is tempting to lie down and hold up my white flag, I won't do it
I wouldn't give my ED the satisfaction
She wants me dead
Of that I have no doubt
I'll do my best not to let that happen
I don't want to be a statistic
A scare story to warn others
I haven't come through the horrors of heroin addiction only for my ED to kill me
I won't let that happen
I just won't