I'm not quite sure how I got through it
I'm on the verge of being in withdrawal
It's been lingering like a bad smell
I saw an addiction counselor on Wednesday
I used to see him when I first moved here a few years ago and he said he can see a lot of progress in me
I explained how I have been misusing my methadone and now it is being reduced I am really struggling
He asked me if methadone was a type of weather what would it be
At first I hadn't a clue what he was talking about but the first word that came to mind was cloudy
And that's what it's like to be misusing it
It's fuzzy
A fuzzy bubble
This week I have been more lucid than I have in a long time
On the dose of methadone I was taking it's like I am blinkered
Like living in a fog
And because I more more sober my mind is clear
My father commented this week that he hasn't seen me this alert in a long time
But along with sobriety comes feelings
I've realize that I haven't been drug free since I was a young teenager
I've been numb for the last 15 years
Comfortably numb
I experienced a lot of anger and frustration this week
Mostly as myself
Angry for abusing my meds
For keeping secrets
For letting others think I am stable
For getting myself in to this situation
I feel like I've oppressed my feeling for so long that this week they erupted like a volcano
Like a shaken can of soda
I truly felt like I was losing the plot
Crying one minute
Laughing the next
But somehow I managed to get through it and today I feel alot better
I've never really dealt with feelings and reality well
I remember as child pretending that I couldn't sleep
My mother brought me to the doctor and I remember hoping that he would put me on sleeping tablets
I've always had a cushion between myself and reality
A buffer
And I've always believed that the answer to my problems was a pill or a substance
Yes drugs make you feel better but only for a short while
They just camouflage the feelings
They push them deep down in to your soul ready to escape at the next opportunity
Drugs do not only not work but they make the situation a whole lot worse
I am never going to get anywhere if I don't learn to deal with these feelings
I've had to take a good hard look at myself this week
I've done a lot of thinking
I made an appointment on Tuesday to see my doctor today and had prepared myself for round 2
But now I don't know if I'm going to go
I still have a huge issue with the way he reduced the methadone
I still think a 5ml drop was too much
But I can also see that the way I went about telling him this was all wrong
I'm sure I came across like a desperate addict and not a rational adult
And I do feel bad for unleashing my inner bitch
I don't doubt that he has my best interests at heart and does want to help me
In 9 years this is the first argument I've had with him
So whether I see him today or Monday I will apologise
Not for what I said but the way I said it
I will also ask him to reconsider my dose but I am prepared for him to say no
And if he does I will have to accept that
I have no other choice
I saw Mary this morning
I was much calmer
The last 3 times I've seen her I've been almost hysterical
She really has been an amazing support this week
Gone out of her way to help me
She focused on all of the positives this week
As hard as it's been there have been some positives
Coming off methadone is a double edged sword for me
On one hand I want to be drug free
It really is quite scary being so dependent on a substance knowing what you would be like if you didn't have it
But on the other hand I'm afraid
Afraid of using
I can not begin to tell you how much relapsing scares me
They say when you're in recovery your addiction is outside doing push ups
Getting stronger all the time
They say you pick up from where you left off and I left off in a horrendous place
Addiction is progressive
It gets worse over time
I couldn't go any lower
I dread to think of what could be next
Food has taken a back seat over the last couple of weeks
I haven't had the energy or the inclination to address it
Feeling all these feelings I've kind of turned away from food
Used it to deal with these new emotions
Mary weighed me and I'd lost 1.5kg since last week
This leaves me in a perilous situation
Mary can't seen me if my BMI drops below a certain number and I am edging ever closer to it
It's not her rule it's the service she works for
To lose Mary would be a disaster
I just don't know how I would cope
I need all the support I can get right now
So it's time to get on top of this
I have to make an effort and that starts with purging
I won't come through opiate and methadone addiction only for my eating disorder to kill me
Yes I am weak but I feel strong today
Yes a lot has happened this week but I feel positive
Yes I almost gave up this week but if I can get through this I can get through anything
I don't always want to but I feel I can do the right thing
I thought I was helpless but I'm more capable than I thought
Yes I thought I was a lost cause but today I have hope
